


(i know that) i can't change the world

by jaemarked



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Car Accidents, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of homophobia, Minor Character Death, Minor Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Slow Burn, mentions of neglect/child abuse, paramedic!Jaehyun
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-05
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:27:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 21,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22522504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaemarked/pseuds/jaemarked
Summary: But maybe I'll change your mind.Guilt has always followed Jaehyun around, ever since the accident. A ride-along he never asked for, and one he can't seem to get rid of.He doesn't know how to feel when Jaemin takes its place and builds a home in Jaehyun's heart.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Na Jaemin
Comments: 27
Kudos: 129





	1. i can't stand the rain anymore

**Author's Note:**

  * For [akaashigf](https://archiveofourown.org/users/akaashigf/gifts).



> disclaimers:
> 
> i know nothing about being a paramedic. i know nothing period i'm no thoughts head empty. please excuse the medical inaccuracies in this fic.
> 
> also if you don't like 2jae don't read this, thank you! i couldn't not take two handsome boys and put them together for the sake of fic.
> 
> content warning (spoilers!!!):
> 
> mentions of a vehicular accident, angst, mentions of depression, mentions of anxiety, mentions of neglect/parental abuse, mentions of homophobia, mentions of a comatose patient, jaehyun is a genius idiot
> 
> please be careful! let me know if i've missed anything.

i.

Jaehyun dragged himself into the station after a grueling night shift, having been dispatched to no less than three different car accidents. It was the first double he’d pulled in a while and this time, he didn’t have his best friend and partner-in-crime Johnny along for the ride. 

“Ugh,” Jaehyun groaned, falling face-first onto the couch in the lounge. He heard footsteps and moments later, someone placed a gentle hand on his back. 

“You okay?” Taeyong’s voice came from somewhere above him. Jaehyun lifted his face with great effort, squinting at the Taeyong shaped blob, haloed by the bright lights of the station. “C’mon, sit up.”

“Don’t wanna,” Jaehyun moaned into the couch cushions, but he let Taeyong push and prod him into a sitting position. Taeyong shoved a mug of coffee in his hand, with a little bit of milk; just the way Jaehyun liked it.

“You okay to go home?” Doyoung poked his head out from the kitchen, his own mug of coffee clasped in his hands. When Jaehyun nodded, he disappeared back into the kitchen, Yuta’s loud laughter filtering through the open door before it swung shut.

“Maybe now isn’t a good time,” Taeyong said, fidgeting with the sleeve of his jacket. For the captain of their unit, he was awfully nervous all the time. Then again, he didn’t have Johnny to keep him calm anymore. “But there’s something I have to tell you.”

“What is it?” Jaehyun sighed, draining the last of his coffee. He handed the mug back to Taeyong, who averted his eyes. He rubbed his thumb along the rim of the mug that Johnny had glazed himself. 

“So there’s this pre-med student…he’s a total prodigy, but there aren’t that many opportunities for undergrads, so. Um.”

“What does this have to do with me?” Jaehyun felt guilty when Taeyong recoiled, but he was exhausted. He hoped Taeyong would forgive his short fuse. 

“Well, you’re gonna show him the ropes. How things work around here. It’ll be part of his co-op, and the rest is just gonna be cleaning the rig, safety and ambulance checks, that sort of thing.”

“You got me a ride-along?!” Jaehyun asked in disbelief. “And a kid, too?”

“He’s hardly younger than you,” Taeyong said, sounding amused. “You’re only three years older than him.” 

“I’ve been working as a paramedic for three years,” Jaehyun defended himself. 

“And you’re one of our best. You were a prodigy, once. You know exactly what it was like,” Taeyong said, and if there was one thing Taeyong was good at, it was getting his way. It had always worked on Johnny.

“Please?” Taeyong asked, eyes wide and sad. Jaehyun hated how weak he was to those stupid puppy eyes. “C’mon, you know if Johnny was here, I’d ask him instead.”

_But he’s not,_ Jaehyun thought to himself. He sighed and Taeyong beamed, knowing that Jaehyun was going to give in. He scrambled for a folder that he had left on the coffee table. “This is the kid’s file and the things he’ll be doing, plus the outlines of assignments he will be needing to complete. Thanks, Jaehyun!”

The way Taeyong wiggled his shoulders in excitement made Jaehyun wonder if Taeyong remembered that he was technically Jaehyun’s boss. He couldn’t really refuse, not that he’d ever say no to Taeyong. Jaehyun watched the unit captain skip into the kitchen to bother Yuta before flipping the file open.

The first thing he noticed was a headshot of a student with a handsome, bright face, tan skin, and a brilliant smile. He had curly brown hair, deep brown eyes, and perfect white teeth framed by pretty, pink lips. If Jaehyun hadn’t known, he would have mistaken the college student’s photo for a model’s headshot. This was the kid he was going to be working with. He stared at the photo before his eyes trailed down to the name printed right underneath the university’s logo. 

_Jaemin Na._

ii.

Jaemin showed up midway through Jaehyun’s shift two days later. Jaehyun had spent most of his days off sleeping, trying to catch up on hours missed. Being a paramedic meant losing sleep to save lives. 

Jaehyun and Yuta were sitting in the back of their ambulance which was once Jaehyun’s and Johnny’s, sandwiches in hand when Taeyong appeared with the kid from the file, Jaemin, trailing behind him.

“...is the rig where the ambulances are kept. That’s Jaehyun and Yuta, two of our best!”

“You flatter us too much, Yong,” Yuta said, laughter coloring his voice. He crumpled up the wrapper from his sandwich and tossed it into a wastebasket a few feet away before standing up, brushing his hands off his pants and sticking one out for Jaemin to shake. “Nice to meet you. Jaemin, right?”

“Pleasure is all mine,” Jaemin replied. His voice was smooth, lower than Jaehyun expected, and bright like citrus and sunshine. He shook Yuta’s hand eagerly. “I’ve heard all about you!”

“You have?” Yuta asked, sounding absolutely delighted. 

“There’s not a student in my classes that doesn’t know your name,” Jaemin said, and Yuta clapped happily.

“Kid, I think you’re gonna do just fine here. Jaehyun, can I steal him?”

“Sorry, Yuta, he’s _my_ ride-along. I’m Jaehyun Jung, it’s nice to meet you.”

Jaemin turned to him with stars in his eyes. “ _The_ Jaehyun Jung? Graduated magna cum laude at nineteen?! You’re a _legend_.”

“The pride and joy of our unit,” Yuta crooned, slinging an arm around Jaehyun’s shoulders. “He’s a _baby._ ”

“Everyone here is like my age,” Jaehyun said, rolling his eyes. 

“Yeah, we hot.”

“And we young.”

Jaehyun whipped his head around to gape at Jaemin. “What did you say?”

“Um, it’s something my tutor always says. We hot and we young. Why?” Jaemin asked.

“Oh, nothing. It was just something my colleague used to say.”

“Well, you know what they say. Great minds think alike,” Jaemin said with a grin. Jaehyun tried to smile back, though it was half-hearted at best. 

Jaehyun threw out the rest of his lunch, no longer hungry, before handing Jaemin a clipboard and showing him around the back of the ambulance. To his surprise, Jaemin really did know what he was talking about, and was able to move around and point things out with ease. 

They end up getting dispatched before Jaemin could get through the checklist, though it wasn’t for lack of speed. Yuta drove them out while Jaehyun calmly explained what Jaemin had to do. Essentially, stay out of their way and observe. Jaehyun believed Jaemin was fully capable of helping, but it would compromise the situation to have an untrained pre-med student participating.

Jaemin, true to his word, kept far enough away that Jaehyun almost told him he could move closer as they lifted the unconscious man onto a stretcher and loaded him into the back of the ambulance. The patient in question had collapsed suddenly, and with his obvious old age and frail condition, Jaehyun expected the cause to be a heart attack.

Luckily for Jaemin, his shift wasn’t as busy as it could have been, meaning Jaemin got to ask as many questions as he wanted. Jaehyun did his best to answer them. He wondered if Taeyong was really aware of just how smart this kid was. He reminded Jaehyun of himself, back then. Before everything. 

It wasn’t long before Jaehyun and Yuta became fond of Jaemin. He was a sweetheart, and good with the older patients that were often afraid to ride in the ambulance alone. These were people with no family or friends with them when they called. One elderly lady had cried because Jaemin reminded her of her grandson, and Jaemin held her hand the entire way to the hospital.

“You did really well today,” Jaehyun said, offering Jaemin a smile. Jaemin _beamed,_ and he was still smiling when Taeyong came to collect him.

“You’re gonna be putting in twenty hours a week with Jaehyun. Sometimes that means coming in at night, our shifts aren’t exactly consistent.” Taeyong gave Jaemin a wry smile. Jaemin giggled in reply. “Are you prepared to handle that?”

“Hell yeah!” Jaemin exclaimed, then flushed. “Um, sorry. Excuse my language.”

Yuta barked out a laugh from where he was diligently mixing sugar in his coffee. “Kid, you’re gonna fit right in.”

Taeyong waved him off. “We don’t really care about that kind of stuff. Anyway, how was your first day?”

“It was _so_ much better than I expected. I learned a lot,” Jaemin said happily, eyes twinkling. Jaehyun hadn’t seen anyone this excited about learning in a long time. “I’m so lucky to have a placement here.”

Taeyong smiled. “It’s not luck. It’s your hard work and effort that got you here. Don’t forget to fill out your log before you go. Jaehyun, you need to fill out a progress report for Jaemin every week, okay?”

“Got it,” Jaehyun said, nodding sharply. He grabbed the papers from Taeyong’s office, planning to work on it at home. Taeyong followed right behind him.

“So, how was working with the kid?”

“It was okay. He’s pretty smart.”

Taeyong grinned. “Reminds you of yourself, doesn’t he?”

“Johnny would have loved him,” Jaehyun said quietly. Taeyong patted his back, a short but comforting gesture. Jaehyun gave him a shaky smile and returned to the front.

“Bye, Jaehyun. Bye Yuta. It was nice meeting you!” Jaemin said, grabbing his backpack. 

“Is that your ride?” Yuta asked, pointing outside. Jaehyun glanced at the window to see another young man, presumably another student from Jaemin’s school. He was holding a takeout bag and a cup of something pink.

“Yeah, that’s Jeno. He’s my best friend.”

“Good work today, kid. I’ll see you next time,” Jaehyun praised. Jaemin waved and disappeared out the front doors of the station. Jaehyun collapsed on the couch, Yuta plopping down next to him.

“Who thought it was a good idea to make me babysit?” 

Yuta let out an ugly snort. “Kid’s only three years younger than you. You started when you were the same age.”

“Yeah, but _I_ had already graduated from university,” Jaehyun said, rolling onto his back. Yuta put Jaehyun’s legs across his lap, rubbing soothingly at his calves. 

“Not everyone can be a super genius like you, Jaehyunnie.”

Jaehyun thought back to Jaemin’s eagerness, his pointed questions, his knowledge and confidence, and came to a conclusion.

“Maybe he’s not as smart as me,” Jaehyun began softly, “but in no way is that kid _not_ a genius.”

iii.

Having Jaemin as a ride-along wasn’t as bad as Jaehyun expected. The kid was actually pretty cool, and he brought Jaehyun coffee in the mornings. He never complained when he had to be left behind, sweeping the rig while Jaehyun went to deal with more dangerous situations. Jaemin made a point to greet Jaehyun and Yuta every time they returned from a call, and Jaehyun wondered if the job caused Jaemin more anxiety than he let on.

He felt bad for not being open with the kid, but he honestly just didn’t feel comfortable. Yuta clearly had no problem when Jaemin tagged along with the two of them, making conversation with ease and asking Jaemin about his studies or his friends. When Jaehyun and Jaemin were alone, it was mostly awkward silence, only to be interrupted when Jaemin had a question or when Jaehyun was giving him instructions. Jaemin didn’t seem to mind though, and continued to be a model ride-along. Jaehyun had no problem checking off his assignments and task list as well as writing his weekly progress reports.

“Mr. Jaehyun?”

He couldn’t get Jaemin to stop calling him that, though.

“You can just call me Jaehyun, you know,” Jaehyun said, amused. Jaemin was standing in the door of the breakroom, clutching his assignment to his chest. Jaehyun had just gotten back from a house fire six blocks away and was exchanging his soot-covered jacket for a clean one. “Did you need something?”

“I was wondering if you could read over my paper?” Jaemin asked, handing over the papers he was holding. It was surprisingly thick, over ten pages. Jaehyun skimmed over the opening paragraph and was immediately impressed. 

“Sure,” Jaehyun said with a shrug, dropping it on the coffee table. “I’m done in a little less than an hour. When is this due?”

“Friday,” Jaemin said. “I just wanted to make sure everything was good with this draft. It’s worth fifteen percent of my mark.”

“No problem, I can have it done by tomorrow. Will you be coming in?” Jaehyun asked.

“Yeah!” Jaemin’s face lit up with a grin. “Thank you so much, sir.”

“We are three years apart,” Jaehyun said, though he couldn’t help but smile fondly. “You’re making me feel old.”

Jaemin paled, the colour seeping from his face. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean—”

“I’m just kidding!” Jaehyun hurried to say before Jaemin could continue sputtering apologies. He was _really_ bad at this. He could almost hear Johnny laughing at his social ineptness. “Listen, it’s late. Yuta will be back with pizza soon and there’s nothing else for you to do. Why don’t you stay here until the end of my shift, I’ll look over your assignment and drive you home once I’m clocked out. Sound okay?”

“It’s okay, I can just get Jeno to…” Jaemin trailed off when he saw the clock on the wall of the break room. “...yeah, that sounds okay. Thank you.”

Jaehyun shrugged again, feeling incredibly awkward. “No problem. Wanna watch a movie? I’ll steal Taeyong’s laptop from his office.”

“Sure, that’d be great!” Jaemin beamed, and Jaehyun couldn’t help his own lips from curling up as he hurried into the hall and towards Taeyong’s office. To his surprise, the lights were still on despite the late hour. He punched in the access code and found Taeyong slumped over his desk, face pillowed on a thick stack of paperwork. 

He sighed softly, moving behind the desk and closer to his captain and friend. Taeyong had dark circles under his eyes, and his roots were starting to show. He looked worn out and hollow, his cheekbones prominent under paper skin. Jaehyun crouched down to his level and shook him awake.

“Taeyong. C’mon, it’s late, go home.”

“Mmm.” Taeyong didn’t budge. His eyes didn’t even flicker open.

“Taeyong. Wake up.” Taeyong shifted, hand coming up to clutch at Jaehyun’s sleeve. He opened his eyes blearily, squinting at the harsh light.

“Johnny?”

Jaehyun’s heart ached for him.

“No, Taeyong, it’s me, Jaehyun.”

“Jaehyunnie?” Taeyong sat up, chair nearly slipping out from underneath him before Jaehyun caught it. He rubbed his fists harshly into his eyes, looking around the office. The look on his face was devastating. “He was here. I-I heard his voice, I thought…”

Jaehyun shook his head, swallowing hard. “It was a dream, Taeyong. He wasn’t here.” 

Taeyong looked at him with tears in his eyes, and Jaehyun didn’t know what to do except reach out with both of his arms. Taeyong cried silently in Jaehyun’s embrace, and Jaehyun pretended like he couldn’t feel the way Taeyong trembled or the tears soaking the collar of his jacket.

iv.

There were no calls for the rest of his shift. 

Jaemin fell asleep halfway through the movie Taeyong put on, something with animated fish that Jaehyun had never seen before. It was oddly quiet, though the peace was not unwanted. Taeyong’s knees were drawn to his chest as he watched the movie, and Yuta and Jaehyun spoke quietly in the attached kitchen. Yuta was munching on pizza, but Jaehyun felt too sick to eat it.

“You know nobody blames you,” Yuta said quietly, interrupting Jaehyun’s thoughts.

“I know,” Jaehyun replied, just as quietly. “But it doesn’t mean I don’t feel guilty.”

He walked out of the kitchen before Yuta could open his mouth to reply, heading straight for the couch to shake Jaemin awake. Jaemin blinked sleepily at him, sitting up and yawning directly in Jaehyun’s face. 

“Time to go home,” Jaehyun said softly. Jaemin just nodded, climbing to his feet. He stumbled and Jaehyun caught him by the arm, helping him regain balance before letting go. “Are you okay?”

“Just tired,” Jaemin answered with a reassuring smile.

“You didn’t have to come in so late,” Taeyong said mournfully. “You need sleep, or else you won’t be able to go to your classes tomorrow.”

“Don’t worry, my classes are in the afternoon. Besides, I was behind on my hours this week.” This was true. Jaehyun hadn’t mentioned anything, but Jaemin hadn’t come in for three days in a row, and if he hadn’t come in tonight, he most definitely wouldn’t have been able to complete his twenty hours.

“It’s okay, Yong, I’ll drive him home. What about you? You’re too tired to drive, don’t be an idiot and get behind the wheel, okay?”

“I’ll drive him,” Yuta said, wandering into the living room with a slice of pizza on a plate. He shoved it into Taeyong’s hands and glared at him until he took a bite. “I’ll wait until the others turn in for the night, then take him home.”

“Spend the night?” Taeyong asked, clutching at Yuta’s hand. Jaehyun quietly ushered Jaemin away, because Taeyong looked like he was going to cry again, and he wouldn’t want anyone to see. Jaemin, to his credit, didn’t seem to notice, instead chattering about the assignment that Jaehyun carefully packed in his bag before heading out to the parking lot where his car was parked. Jaehyun was grateful for Jaemin’s blabbering, able to focus on his words instead of the way Taeyong looked when he called out for Johnny. 

v.

Things were going great.

Which meant that, inevitably, something was bound to go wrong. Unfortunately, it happened when Jaemin was with him. He was the closest, and he didn’t have time to drop Jaemin off, and he couldn’t very well just leave him alone. 

It was brutal. Six cars in a traffic collision, one of them flipped over completely. Jaehyun and Yuta had tried to open the door while waiting for the fire department, but the driver died before they could get him out. There was a teenage girl whose right leg was completely crushed by the dashboard of her car. The fire department used tools to cut her out of her car while Jaehyun told her stories to keep her awake. She was the one Jaehyun drove to the hospital while Yuta and Sicheng, another paramedic, worked to keep her alive.

By the time his shift was over, Jaehyun was running on empty fumes. He was exhausted, and the mental stress was killing him. Jaemin looked worse for wear, a haunted expression on his face ever since they had responded to the call.

“Are you okay?” Jaehyun asked. He knew it was a stupid question, but he didn’t know what else to do.

“I’m fine,” Jaemin said shakily. Jaehyun steered him toward the rickety plastic chair at the kitchen table and forced him to sit down. Jaemin gave him a weak smile in thanks. “It never gets any easier, does it?”

Jaehyun considered lying, for a moment, but then shook his head. “No, it doesn’t.”

“How do you do it?” Jaemin whispered, almost as if he was afraid to ask.

“I try to focus on the lives we’ve saved, instead of the lives we’ve lost. We weren’t able to save that man, but we did save that teenage girl. Not only did we just save her life, but we got to her fast enough that the doctors were able to save her leg. She will be able to walk, and she has her whole life ahead of her. Maybe by next week we might forget about her, because we just have so many incidents it’s impossible to keep track. But she will always remember what we did for her.” 

“You know,” Jaemin began, “this isn’t actually my first placement. When I was in high school…I never actually did anything except sweep the station or make coffee but I was able to talk to the paramedics a couple of times and…it seemed like they were never bothered. They could come back from a brutal accident and be completely unaffected.”

Jaehyun sat down across from him, thinking carefully over what he was going to say. “Once you’re in this job for a few years, it becomes difficult to take everything to heart. The harsh reality is that you can’t save everyone, and if you let it affect you, you will be unhappy all the time. A lot of us separate our personal feelings from the job.”

“I never wanna be like that,” Jaemin said to the table. His voice was thick with unshed tears. “I never want to be cold.”

“People do what they can to protect their hearts,” Jaehyun said gently. He reached across the table and patted Jaemin’s hand, unsure of how else to comfort him. 

Jaemin looked up at him. “But you’re not cold. How do you protect yours?” 

Jaehyun took a deep breath. “For a while, it was hard. Probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, and I started university at sixteen. I thought it was impossible. To do this job without turning off your emotions. It was my partner, Johnny, who showed me. He told me, ‘Jaehyun, if you don’t show them love and care, if you don’t actively give a shit about them, then who will?’” and that was that. Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes I catch myself slipping, and I feel as if I am not being kind. Other times, we lose someone, and I take it too close to heart. But we get by, Jaemin. That’s all we can do. Keep moving forward.”

He watched Jaemin inhale and exhale, still trembling, eyes laser- focused on the table in front of him. For a moment, Jaehyun wondered if he said the wrong thing, but finally, Jaemin looked up again.

“I hope I work here, when I graduate. With you and Yuta and Taeyong,” Jaemin said. “I really feel like I would make a difference, if I worked here.”

“We’d be happy to have you, kid.” Jaehyun grabbed Jaemin’s hand again, making sure to look him in the eyes, to show that he was completely serious. “We’d be _lucky_ to have you.”

There was not much about that shift that was good, but Jaemin’s smile in that moment would always be worth remembering.

**vi**.

“Jaehyun?”

Jaehyun looked over at Jaemin. It was nearing the end of his shift again, and the night shift crew had already shown up. He was nursing a mug of coffee to keep himself awake after another twelve gruelling hours, since he had to drive himself home. Jaemin had shown up a couple of hours before his shift, proudly displaying the assignment Jaehyun had looked over. Jaemin had received a perfect score. Now, the two of them were sitting on the couch in the lounge, watching the night crew bustle around as they prepared for their shift.

“Yes, Jaemin?”

“You don’t have to answer but... what happened to your former partner?”

It felt like he had been dunked in ice water. His body froze up, and he felt like he was suffocating, like his ribs were crushing into his lungs. Jaemin stared innocently, waiting for an answer, not knowing just how much his question was killing Jaehyun.

“I’m sorry,” Jaemin said when Jaehyun didn’t speak. “I shouldn’t have asked.”

“It’s okay,” Jaehyun managed past the lump in his throat. “You were just curious. Don’t worry about it.”

“You don’t have to tell me,” Jaemin repeated, shaking his head. He was wearing an expression of guilt and shame, and it reminded Jaehyun so much of the face he would see in the mirror. He glanced at the clock. His shift was over.

“I’ll tell you. But not here,” Jaehyun said, standing up. He picked up his mug of coffee, now gone cold, and brought it into the kitchen. Jaemin trailed after him like a lost puppy. “Let’s go to the chicken place on the next block. I’ll treat you.”

“You don’t have to,” Jaemin immediately protested.

“You haven’t eaten dinner. _I_ haven’t eaten dinner. Don’t worry about it, let’s just go.”

“Fine,” Jaemin relented, sticking out his lower lip. “But I’m gonna pay next time.”

“Sure,” Jaehyun said, and laughed despite himself. “Whatever floats your boat.”

After Jaehyun had clocked out, and Jaemin signed his time sheet, they headed to the restaurant. Stepping into the night was a breath of fresh air, despite the city’s pollution. Jaehyun spent the walk trying to calm his nerves while Jaemin chattered about something Jeno did over the weekend. 

“Can you drive?” Jaehyun interrupted without meaning to, immediately following with a quiet “sorry”. An aftermath apology. It felt like those were the only apologies he made these days.

“Uh, yeah, I mean I have my license. Why?” Jaemin asked, pulling open the door of the restaurant and letting Jaehyun walk in first. They’re immediately assaulted with the smell of spices and fried chicken, and their stomachs growl viciously in unison.

“Because there’s no way I can have this conversation sober,” Jaehyun said, holding up two fingers at the hostess who brought them to a table towards the back. 

“Can I get you started with anything to drink?” 

Jaehyun ordered six shots of tequila for himself, two glasses of water, and a strawberry milkshake for Jaemin, then explained the menu to him. They end up deciding to order a platter of hell wings with blackened ranch dip, and fries on the side. 

“How did you know I like strawberry?” Jaemin asked. Jaehyun squinted at him over the menu.

“It’s what your friend always brings you when he picks you up,” he pointed out, scanning the menu for anything else that appealed to him. He hadn’t had time to eat a full lunch, scarfing down two energy bars in between calls. He folded the menu just as the waitress appeared with their drinks. Jaehyun slammed down two shots while Jaemin ordered their wings. In the back of his mind, he considered that maybe he should be embarrassed for acting this way in front of Jaemin, but then he remembered that a.) Jaemin was an adult and b.) they were only three years apart. And technically, Taeyong was Jaemin’s supervisor. Jaehyun was just Jaehyun’s coworker. 

“I’m a lightweight,” Jaehyun confessed, taking a third shot. “I don’t drink that often. But I am not as brave sober as I am when I’m wasted.”

“I think you’ve gotta be brave to do what you do,” Jaemin said quietly. He was watching beads of condensation drip down his glass, and Jaehyun had never seen him look so solemn. 

“Does it take bravery to save people from burning buildings?” Jaehyun mused. “Or stupidity?”

“Maybe a little bit of both,” Jaemin admitted, though he looked contemplative. He looked good, skin practically glowing under the lights of the restaurant. Jaehyun cut off that train of thought and slammed down another shot. He shuddered as the alcohol hit, and Jaemin handed him a glass of water. 

“Okay. Now that I’m,” he hiccuped, “on my way to becoming good and well drunk, I’ll tell you what happened.”

“You don’t need to,” Jaemin said gently. Jaehyun sulked as he sipped at his water. He didn’t want gentle. He didn’t _deserve_ gentle. 

Because Jaehyun was a bad person.

Jaemin was starting to blur in front of him, and Jaehyun had to squint to see the waitress who brought their food. He should probably eat something to soak up the alcohol, but he could hardly feel his fingers.

“Here.” Jaemin picked up a knife and fork, expertly slicing the meat off the bone for a few of the wings. He scooped the meat onto Jaehyun’s plate. Jaehyun managed to wrap his fingers around his own fork and bring a bite of chicken to his mouth. The spice helped cut through the haze in his mind, and he began to speak, the words tumbling out before he could stop them.

“We were really young,” Jaehyun began. “I was maybe twenty one or twenty two. Johnny was twenty three. But we were good at our jobs. Some of the strongest of our unit. Taeyong had just become the captain at the time. He might not look it, but he’s a major badass.”

Jaemin looked amused at that.

“We were _really_ good at our jobs,” Jaehyun emphasized. “I trusted Johnny with my life. I went along with everything he said, because I believed in him. That,” Jaehyun sighed, “was probably my first mistake.”

He was starting to slur his words together, so he picked up his glass of water and took a few more sips, not that it helped much.

“One night, early December, we were hit with some pretty bad weather. They call it freezing rain. The roads were slick with ice, and there was a major car crash downtown. Maybe twenty or thirty people in critical condition. I was behind the wheel that night.”

Jaehyun took a deep, shuddering breath. Jaemin was watching him with barely concealed concern. Here he was, falling apart in front of some kid he barely knew. 

_Talk about it,_ his subconscious said to him. It suspiciously sounded like Taeyong’s voice. _It will make you feel better._

“Johnny was the one who suggested taking the side street. People were dying, we had to get there faster. Navigating to one of the main roads and going around would have taken five minutes longer than cutting down one of the smaller streets.”

Five minutes didn’t seem so long in the grand scheme of things, but five minutes could mean someone’s life when it came to being a paramedic.

“I shouldn’t have listened to him,” Jaehyun whispered brokenly. “I shouldn’t have, but I did. One of the street lights were out, and it was dark, and raining pretty heavily. I didn’t see the ice until—“

_Until it was too late._

A gentle hand landed on Jaehyun’s. He looked up and realized that tears blurred his vision. Huh. He hadn’t even noticed he had started crying.

“We hit the ice, and the wheels slid out from under us. I tried to control it but—“ Jaehyun choked down a sob. “But I couldn’t. We spun out of control and…”

He had no recollection of what had happened after that. He had blacked out, and when he woke up he was in a hospital bed. The first thing he had done when he could speak was ask for Johnny.

“Only one of us woke up in the hospital that day. Johnny—“Jaehyun paused, taking a deep breath. “—Johnny went into a coma. He experienced a traumatic brain injury. They told me he went through the windshield.”

Jaemin looked horrified.

“Even if he wakes up,” Jaehyun continued, “there’s only a thirteen-percent chance that there’s no everlasting brain damage. He might not be able to function as a human being. So he’ll be awake, but he won’t be Johnny.”

Thirteen was an unlucky number. Jaehyun knew it better than anyone else.

He waited for Jaemin to say he was sorry. Everyone always said that, whenever they found out about Johnny. 

_“Jaehyun, I’m so sorry.”_

_“No._ I’m _sorry.”_

“Jaehyun,” Jaemin began, and Jaehyun realized he was crying too. “You’re—You’re really strong.”

“I don’t feel strong,” Jaehyun confessed. His tongue felt thick and obtrusive in his mouth. It was getting harder to speak. He didn’t feel strong, but somehow…he felt lighter. He looked at Jaemin again, beautiful despite his tears. “I feel—“

He stopped himself. 

“Come on,” Jaemin said softly. “Let’s get you home.”

Immediately, Jaehyun dug out his wallet as Jaemin called for the bill. He pulled out a few fives, and something that looked like a ten. He squinted, but decided it had a one and a zero and slapped it down on the little tray that came with their bill.

“Um. Jaehyun?” He looked up. The waitress and Jaemin were both staring at him, eyes wide. “Did you maybe make a mistake?”

Jaehyun squinted at the money again. Five…ten…fifteen...twenty...oh. That wasn’t a ten. There was one extra zero. Jaehyun almost took it back, but he looked up at the waitress again. Even drunk, he could see the tired lines in her face despite how young she was. He could see the dark circles under her eyes, concealer wearing off. He remembered how many jobs he had to work to keep himself afloat, after his parents kicked him out for being gay and before he met Johnny.

_“Jaehyun, if you don’t show them love and care, if you don’t actively give a shit about them, then who will?”_

“No, that’s correct,” Jaehyun slurred, bobbing his head in an attempt of a professional nod. “We won’t be needing any change.” He climbed to his feet, then nearly tipped over and had to steady himself by grabbing the table. “We will be needing a taxi, though.”

“I can call you one,” the waitress said with a genuine smile. She looked pretty like this, less tired. Her smile reminded him of Johnny.

“Let’s go home,” Jaehyun told Jaemin. 

“Have a good night,” Jaemin said to the waitress, then gently took Jaehyun’s elbow and steered him outside. Everything about Jaemin was really gentle. 

The alcohol’s effects wore off enough that Jaehyun could climb into the backseat of the taxi cab by himself, and even buckle himself in, though it took some fumbling.

He heard Jaemin talking to the driver before getting in, but he paid no mind, shutting his eyes and leaning heavily against the door. 

_Jaehyun, you’re really brave._ Jaemin’s face glowed under the restaurant lights.

“Thank you,” Jaehyun murmured back.

Then everything went dark.


	2. i can't stand the cold any longer

**vii**.

Jaehyun woke up in an unfamiliar place with a killer hangover. Despite the pounding in his head, he sat upright quickly, vision dotted with black as he registered his surroundings.

He was on a soft bed, covered in a thick quilt that looked handmade. The room was small, with beige walls and two tiny windows. Jaehyun could see the top of other buildings and realized he was high up, so probably an apartment. He staggered to his feet, and caught sight of a note placed next to a glass of water and a bottle of Advil.

He went for the Advil first, popping two in his mouth and chasing it with water. Then he realized how thirsty he was, and chugged the glass before picking up the note.

_Jaehyun,_

_You fell asleep last night before you could tell me your address, so I brought you to my place. I know you don’t work until tomorrow, so I didn’t set an alarm to wake you. Your phone, keys, and wallet are on my desk. I had to go to class, but feel free to stay as long as you want. The door will lock automatically behind you, so don’t worry about that. There is cold brew in the fridge if you want some._

_— Jaemin ^_^_

He walked across the room and checked his phone, thankful that Jaemin had plugged it in before leaving. It was only nine in the morning, according to the clock. Apparently even wasted, his body was conditioned to wake up early.

His head throbbed, and he wanted to go back to sleep, but he opened the door anyway, wincing when the light from the living room spilled in. Despite being a university student, Jaemin had some pretty sweet digs—large windows in the living room, relatively new-looking furniture, and a flatscreen TV with gaming consoles hooked up to it.

Jaemin’s room connected to the living room, but beyond the living room was a small hallway that Jaehyun assumed lead to the bathroom and kitchen, so he headed there. He found the bathroom with ease, locking the door behind him.

The first thing he did after taking a piss was wash his hands and face. His skin felt greasy after a night of drinking, and he probably didn’t wash it last night. Wondering how Jaemin managed to get him back in one piece, Jaehyun texted the younger boy a thank you message, planning to treat him to a meal as an apology.

Vaguely, he registered that he should probably feel embarrassed about last night, but thinking about last night at all made his chest hurt a little. He didn’t know anybody outside of work or Johnny’s family, so he had never talked about what happened except for with his therapist. But still, even though the memories came with pain, he felt like a weight had been taken off his shoulders. The time he had spent with Jaemin had been more cathartic than he expected.

Jaemin has left a toothbrush on the counter, still in its packaging, so Jaehyun used it to scrub away the sour taste in his mouth, running his tongue over his teeth once he was done. He rinsed out the toothpaste and exited the bathroom, not wanting to see his worn- out reflection any longer.

“Oh.” Jaehyun turned around to see another man standing in the hall behind him, probably having just exited the room at the very end of the short hallway. “Jaemin didn’t tell me he was having someone over.”

“It was very last minute,” Jaehyun said apologetically. “As in, I got completely trashed last night. I’ll be out of your hair soon enough.”

The boy shrugged. “No rush. I’m Mark, Jaemin’s roommate. Did Jaemin go to class?”

“He said so in his note,” Jaehyun answered, shrugging his shoulders. He let Mark brush past him and followed the smaller boy into the kitchen.

“Okay. Coffee?” Mark pulled out a bottle of cold brew and handed it to Jaehyun without waiting for a reply. Jaehyun wondered how many people Jaemin had over to the point where it seemed like routine for his roommate. “No offence, but you don’t really seem like the type of guy Jaemin goes for.”

“None taken,” Jaehyun mumbled, before the implications of Mark’s statement set in. “Um, wait, there’s been a misunderstanding. We’re coworkers, not hook-ups.”

“Oh, so you’re a paramedic?” Mark asked, pouring himself a glass of orange juice before sitting at the tiny table, regarding Jaehyun with interest. “That’s sick, my brother’s a paramedic too! You might know him! His name is—oh, hold on.”

Mark paused to fish his phone out of the pocket of his hoodie, answering a call and putting his phone up to his ear. He gave Jaehyun an apologetic smile as he greeted someone over the phone. Jaehyun sipped at his coffee and stared contemplatively at Mark’s face. He swore he recognized his facial features from somewhere. Maybe he had seen pictures of him?

“Sorry, I have to go,” Mark said after hanging up.

“It’s okay, I should probably head out anyway. Thanks for your hospitality,” Jaehyun said, patting his pockets to check for his keys, wallet, and phone. Mark drained the rest of his orange juice and practically tossed the glass in the sink, seemingly not caring if it shattered. Jaehyun found his shoes at the door and wondered how Jaemin got them off of him as Mark dashed around, grabbing a jacket and his keys. A granola bar hung from his mouth—Jaehyun hadn’t even seen Mark unwrap it.

“Let’s go,” Mark said around the granola bar, catching it when it dropped from his mouth. Jaehyun winced at the disaster in front of him, though he could barely talk, since he was still in last night’s clothes.

Jaehyun followed the student (presumably, judging by his university hoodie) out the door, politely waiting as Mark locked the apartment behind him. It would be weird to leave, since they were both going to be taking the elevator down anyway. Jaehyun squinted at his shoes thoughtfully. This whole situation was really weird.

“Jaemin really likes working with you,” Mark babbled. Jaehyun stiffened, wondering if Mark knew who Jaehyun was, but it didn’t seem like it as Mark continued to talk, leading Jaehyun to the elevators. “He never stops talking about it. It’s his dream to be a paramedic, you know?”

Jaehyun just nodded along, not really interested in making conversation as they waited for the elevators. Mark muttered to himself, digging around in his pockets and pulling out his phone. His wallet followed, flopping open on the ground to reveal his ID. Jaehyun stooped to pick it up before Mark could, and nearly choked.

“Minhyung Seo? _You’re_ Minhyung?” Guilt slammed into Jaehyun like a shockwave and he nearly stumbled, one hand flying up to his chest. It felt like his heart was going to come out of his throat as he took in Mark’s bewildered expression. Johnny’s brother was standing right in front of the person who had nearly killed him, and he had no idea.

How could he? Jaehyun and Johnny were too busy for Jaehyun to meet Johnny’s family, who hadn’t even lived in the same city when they met. Johnny was a private person, and Jaehyun wouldn’t have been surprised if his family didn’t even know Jaehyun existed. And Jaehyun had never been strong enough to visit Johnny in the hospital, too much of a coward to even consider it. He never had an opportunity to bump into Mark.

Until now.

“Um, yeah. Do we know each other?” Mark looked confused as he took back his wallet, carefully putting it back in his pocket. Jaehyun just stared at him fearfully. He felt like he couldn’t move. Or breathe. He should have just kept his mouth shut. He shouldn’t have said anything at all. But he thought about last night, and he thought about being honest, and knew it was time to come clean.

“I’m–I’m, uh. I was J-Johnny’s partner,” Jaehyun stammered, his voice so low it could almost be a whisper. His hands trembled at his sides. “I was there. That night.”

For a moment, Mark didn’t react. But when he did, it made Jaehyun freeze up. He had never seen a look of fury burn so coldly before today. Mark’s glare was so fierce, Jaehyun flinched, arms wrapping around himself as if that could protect him from Mark’s anger.

“You killed him?!” Mark said in disbelief, his voice cracking with pain, pointing a finger in Jaehyun’s direction. Jaehyun stepped backward, wanting so desperately to run away from Mark. From the responsibility of what he had done.

“No,” Jaehyun denied, shaking his head. His fingers dig into his arms, bruising his delicate skin. Underneath the fabric of his clothes laid ugly scars from the night of the accident, a painful reminder of what hurt more than his injuries. “No, it wasn’t—it was an accident.”

Everything in his body screamed for him to run, but he felt like he was shutting down. The earth spun around him, and he closed his eyes.

“You were the one driving!” Mark’s anger gave out to hurt. “You could have prevented it!”

“I tried!” Jaehyun sobbed brokenly, unable to hold it back anymore. He felt weak, and pathetic, just as he did that night. “I tried to save him. I swear, I did. I wish—I wish it was me. I-It should have been me.”

For a moment, there was nothing but their heavy breathing filling the silence. Jaehyun’s breath came out too quick, tripping to escape from his lungs as he squeezed his eyes shut tighter, unable to look at Mark. Unable to look at the aftermath of what he had done.

“I’m sorry,” Mark cried out suddenly, tears streaming furiously down his cheeks. “I wasn’t there. You’re probably having a harder time than I am right now. I just miss him, and I’m angry this happened to him. But I don’t blame you, not really.”

“You can blame me,” Jaehyun said quietly, sniffling. His chest heaved under his folded arms, and he couldn’t get himself to calm down. “It was my fault. I killed him.”

“He’s not dead,” Mark said firmly, wiping his eyes roughly with his sleeve. He crouched down, and it was only then that Jaehyun realized he was kneeling on the floor. “He’s not. There’s a chance he can still wake up.”

Mark truly was Johnny’s brother, and it had never been so obvious until that moment. He carried the same traits—kindness, empathy, optimism.

“And besides,” Mark added before Jaehyun could say anything else. Like how it had been over a year. How the doctors were pressuring the family to think about cutting off life support. “I’m his little brother. And if I say that it wasn’t your fault, then who are you to speak against me?”

Jaehyun snorted wetly despite himself. Though Mark only seemed a few years younger, the age gap was obvious in Mark’s childish words. Still, it was his childishness that made Jaehyun stop crying, pulling in shaky breaths to dispel the anxiety that had washed over him in waves.

Mark sat down on the hall floor, seemingly not caring about the dust that stained his black jeans. Jaehyun didn’t look at him until he spoke.

“Why did you never come to visit him?”

Just one sentence cut Jaehyun like a knife. He wrapped his arms tighter around himself, trying to ward off the chill that invaded his bones despite the fact that they were indoors.

“I was afraid,” Jaehyun confessed quietly, lower lip trembling. “I didn’t want anyone to confirm the belief that it was my fault.”

“Stop.” Mark’s voice cracked. “It wasn’t your fault. I know I—I said that it was, but I was just angry and lashing out.” He scrambled to his feet and stuck his hand out. “I’m Mark, Johnny’s little brother. You’re Johnny’s best friend, right?”

Jaehyun swallowed and reached out to shake Mark’s hand, then let the younger boy pull him to his feet. “Yeah, I’m. I’m Jaehyun. Johnny’s best friend.”

“It’s nice to finally meet you,” Mark said, and he sounded so genuine, Jaehyun teared up again.

“Yeah,” Jaehyun repeated through a watery smile. “It’s nice to meet you too.”

Mark looked nothing like Johnny, but in Jaehyun’s memories, his smile and Johnny’s smile shone equally as bright.

viii.

“It’s my last week.”

Jaehyun looked up from where he was filling out Jaemin’s progress report, seated on the couch in the breakroom. Jaemin was standing in the doorway, holding a tray of cupcakes that looked homemade.

“It is.”

It had been almost five months since Jaemin first began his placement as Jaehyun’s ride-along. In the short time they’ve known each other, Jaemin became part of the family that was their unit. Taeyong, in particular, had grown extremely fond of Jaemin. Secretly, Jaehyun had too. It was impossible not to like Jaemin.

“Is that all you’re going to say?” Jaemin whined, coming over to sit next to Jaehyun, placing the cupcakes on the table. Over time, Jaemin began to show more of his true self. He often acted cute to get his way, and despite his intelligence, had a tendency to blurt out stupid things and make everyone laugh. Jaehyun was happy that Jaemin felt comfortable enough to be himself.

“Maybe,” Jaehyun said teasingly, going back to the report. He blocked Jaemin’s view with one arm, shielding the pages so he couldn’t read what Jaehyun wrote. He had nothing but positive remarks about Jaemin, but he wanted to make the kid sweat. Sure enough, out of the corner of his eye, he could see Jaemin straining his neck to see. Jaehyun smiled to himself, placing the report in a folder and removing it from Jaemin’s sight. The younger boy scowled, slumping against the couch.

“Taeyong said he’s throwing a goodbye party for me on Friday. Are you going to come?” Jaemin asked only a moment later. He seemed to have forgotten all about his report in favour of getting excited over drinks.

“Where will it be?” As if Jaehyun didn’t know, as if he wasn’t the one who suggested the party in the first place. He had just casually mentioned it, but Taeyong had taken his idea and ran with it. He had never seen someone so eager to plan a goodbye party.

“At the Phoenix pub down on Main,” Jaemin replied, stretching his legs out in front of him. Despite the fact that he had just completed an overnight with Jaehyun, he didn’t look all that tired. Meanwhile, Jaehyun probably looked like a mess, since he did most of the heavy lifting.

“The last time I drank around you, it was a disaster,” Jaehyun joked, bringing up the incident that seemed so long ago, but was only a few months. “Let’s not make it a recurring pattern.”

“Aw, come on, I totally had fun,” Jaemin grinned. “And besides, my roommate says you’re pretty cool.”

Both Jaehyun and Mark had decided not to tell Jaemin about their meeting and subsequent breakdown in the hallway of Jaemin and Mark’s shared apartment. Jaemin didn’t even know Mark _had_ a brother. It seemed as if being secretive ran in the Seo blood. Mark and Johnny were both very private people. It was probably Johnny’s only flaw.

“Your roommate is also pretty cool,” Jaehyun said casually, laughing when Jaemin pouted. “I think I like you better, though.”

“Good,” Jaemin said haughtily. “I’m your ride-along, not Mark!”

“And as my ride-along, of course, I’ll come to your goodbye party,” Jaehyun said, leaning over to ruffle Jaemin’s hair before picking up the folder with his report. “Now, I gotta bring this to Taeyong before your evaluation, and _you_ ,” he jabbed Jaemin’s chest with the cardboard, “need to get some sleep. You have class in six hours.”

“Jeno’s already on his way to pick me up,” Jaemin said happily, stretching out on the couch once Jaehyun stood up. “Hopefully, I don’t fall asleep.”

“Please don’t. That couch is really not meant for sleeping on,” Jaehyun said, heading towards the door. He paused in front, turning back to face the younger once more. “And Jaemin?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m really proud of you.” Jaehyun didn’t pause to see Jaemin’s reaction before exiting the breakroom, humming cheerfully as he walked into Taeyong’s office. Taeyong was already there despite his shift not starting yet. There was a tray of coffee on his desk, one already opened. Jaehyun grabbed the one he knew was meant for him and sat down opposite of Taeyong.

“Good morning,” Taeyong said pleasantly, not looking away from his computer. “Do you have Jaemin’s progress report? I’m working on his eval right now.”

“Yup, it’s right here,” Jaehyun said, sliding the folder across the desk. He sipped at his coffee, sighing blissfully at the taste. The cheap coffee in the station’s kitchen tasted worse than cardboard.

“He’s come really far in the past few months,” Taeyong commented, rapidly typing away at his keyboard.

“Yeah, he almost reminds me of…” Jaehyun trailed off.

“Of Johnny?” Taeyong finished, smiling wryly. “You can say his name, Jae. I’m not fragile.”

“No,” Jaehyun said, shaking his head. Taeyong was stronger than all of them. “ _I’m_ the fragile one. After all this time, I’m still a mess.”

“So am I,” Taeyong admitted. “I’m just better at hiding it.”

Jaehyun hesitated. Taeyong looked so tired, his face gaunt and pale, too thin and suffering from sleepless nights. He didn’t want to continue, but he had to know. “The doctors are saying the chance he’ll wake up is decreasing to almost nothing. They’re making noises about cutting off life support.”

Taeyong made a wounded noise and Jaehyun immediately stood up from his chair, leaving his coffee to cool on the desk as he pulled Taeyong out of his own seat and into a hug.

“I know it’s hopeless,” Taeyong whispered into Jaehyun’s neck. Jaehyun could already feel his skin dampening with tears, but he only held Taeyong closer. “But I’m not ready to let him go yet. Not when there’s still a chance, however minuscule.”

“I know,” Jaehyun said softly. He wasn’t ready, either. So much time had passed, and he still couldn’t bring himself to visit Johnny in the hospital.

“One more week,” Taeyong said, so quietly Jaehyun strained to hear even though they were pressed closely together. “After Jaemin leaves. If there’s still no change then—“

He cut himself off, but he didn’t need to continue. He was falling apart, just a little, so Jaehyun held him together. Taeyong was the foundation of their unit, the leader of their team, and one of Jaehyun’s closest friends. After the accident, he had made sure to be there for everyone who might need him. But in the end, Taeyong went home to an empty house meant for two and slept alone in a bed too big for him.

“I’m here for you,” Jaehyun said quietly into Taeyong’s hair.

“I know,” Taeyong said back, pulling away. Already, his tears were dried, and if it weren’t for his red-rimmed eyes, Jaehyun wouldn’t have even known he had cried. Taeyong really was the strongest.

Taeyong returned to his seat and resumed typing as if nothing had happened. Jaehyun felt shaken to his core, but there was nothing for him to do except sit down as well, picking up his coffee and bringing it to his lips once more. Suddenly, the drink tasted bitter and vile against his tongue.

“Johnny would have loved him,” Taeyong said. His breath hitched, but his timing never faltered, and tears didn’t spring to his eyes. Jaehyun didn’t have to ask for clarification, he knew exactly who Taeyong was talking about. He knew it from the first day, almost five months ago.

“He really would,” Jaehyun said, smiling genuinely for the first time since he walked in, albeit it was strained. “We’re lucky to have had him.”

He hadn’t meant to say it, though it was his true feelings. Taeyong tore his gaze away from the computer and studied Jaehyun carefully. Jaehyun shrank under his gaze, picking at the sleeve of his cup.

“Yes, we are,” was all Taeyong said, but for some reason, Jaehyun felt exposed. He faked a yawn, though it turned into a real one, the exhaustion of an overnight finally hitting him. He drained the rest of his coffee and tossed the cup into the bin, standing up from his chair.

“I should really head to bed,” Jaehyun said, watching in surprise as Taeyong stood up too, shutting off his computer. He followed as Jaehyun walked out of the office, reprimanding him about not resting sooner and reminding him to eat a full meal before going to sleep. Jaehyun listened to him nag happily. He didn’t care if Taeyong scolded him as long as it instilled a sense of normalcy in the tense environment.

“Jaehyun,” Taeyong said, stopping suddenly. “Take this, please. I’ve been tempted to throw it away, but I know I’ll regret it more than anything.”

He dropped a small velvet bag in Jaehyun’s palm and turned on his heel, presumably heading back to his office. Jaehyun stared after him for a moment, before turning his attention to the bag in his hand. He carefully undid the drawstring and turned over the bag so the item inside fell into his palm.

He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but his jaw dropped when a ring came out of the bag. It was a fairly simple band with three tiny diamonds set into the silver. It was a familiar ring, and without even looking at the engraving on the inside, Jaehyun knew what it was. He knew, because he had been the one to pick it out.

It was an engagement ring. Part of a matching set. Only the one who wore the other ring would never get the chance to have his dream wedding, the one he talked about almost every night he and Jaehyun went drinking.

It was too much.

Jaehyun went home and cried until he fell asleep.

ix.

“Congratulations to Jaemin, who received a perfect score on his evaluations!”

Taeyong raised his glass as a toast, and everyone clinked their drinks together, cheering loudly for the youngest member of their unit. Technically, once Jaehyun’s shift had ended, Jaemin’s twenty hours of the week had been put in, which meant he was no longer part of the unit. But he would always remain a part of their family, and Taeyong promised to hire Jaemin as soon as he graduated.

“If only I could graduate early like you,” Jaemin sighed from Jaehyun’s left side. He was already halfway to drunk, the burger and fries in front of him doing nothing to soak up the alcohol he had consumed. Jaehyun himself had resolved not to drink, choosing instead to play designated driver when Taeyong inevitably got wasted. But he didn’t mind—it was nice to see his friend let loose for a change.

Taeyong couldn’t stop smiling, playing drinking games with Yuta and laughing with Taeil. It warmed Jaehyun’s heart, and he couldn’t help but watch, reaching out to pat Taeyong fondly or pinch his cheek. Taeyong was a complete lightweight, and that never changed despite the fact that they would drink together all the time. It was always Jaehyun’s job to make sure he returned home to Johnny safely, and he would never skip out on doing his job properly.

“If you graduated early, you wouldn’t have met Mark,” Jaehyun pointed out. Mark, he learned, was Jaemin’s English tutor last year, and they had quickly become fast friends. Both had needed a place, and decided to move in together only eight months ago. _It’s so hard being friends with Mark,_ Jaemin had complained. _He never tells me anything._ Jaehyun could see the love they had for each other, as Mark was here right now, sitting on Jaemin’s other side conversing with Doyoung and Jeno. Jaehyun finally got to meet the famous best friend who always picked up Jaemin, even when his shifts ended late or early in the morning.

“I guess that’s true,” Jaemin said dejectedly, taking another sip of his drink. Jaehyun silently slid a glass of water in Jaemin’s direction, making sure he drank that, too, and tried not to focus on the droplets of water escaping from Jaemin’s lips and sliding down his throat, glittering in the dim lighting.

“Jaehyunnie.” A tug on his sleeve made him turn away from Jaemin. Taeyong looked at him with wide eyes, his cheeks flushed red from the alcohol. “Can you take me to the bathroom?”

“Of course,” Jaehyun said immediately, putting down his own drink and standing from his chair. He helped Taeyong stand up and hooked his arm around his waist, keeping him steady on his feet. They hadn’t done this in a while, but these actions were like muscle memory. Jaehyun didn’t even have to think about it. “We’ll be back,” he said to the table at large.

He couldn’t help but notice Jaemin’s stare, or rather his fixation on Jaehyun’s arm where he held Taeyong. After a moment, he looked away, jumping into the conversation with Mark so easily that Jaehyun wondered if he’d imagined things. He forgot about it when Taeyong tugged his sleeve again, helping his friend to the bathroom and waiting at the sink, scrolling through his phone.

Taeyong appeared next to him, and Jaehyun turned on the taps for him, watching as Taeyong carefully scrubbed his hands under the running faucet. Jaehyun knew that Taeyong still sang the alphabet in his head whenever he washed his hands, but it was endearing to hear his best friend mumble the ABCs under his breath. Once Taeyong finished and switched off the tap, he threw his arms around Jaehyun, leaving wet prints on Jaehyun’s back. Surprised, Jaehyun’s hands immediately went up to support Taeyong and keep the smaller man upright.

“You okay?” Jaehyun asked softly.

“Mhm,” Taeyong hummed slowly. “Just tired. I like your hugs.”

“Seems like we’ve been hugging a lot lately,” Jaehyun commented dryly.

“Jaemin wouldn’t like that,” Taeyong giggled, seemingly unaware of how Jaehyun froze once the implication of his words registered.

“What do you mean by that, Yong?”

Taeyong pulled back, squinting at Jaehyun’s face. Or well, a spot next to Jaehyun’s face. Jaehyun figured he was seeing double. “You can’t tell? Jaeminnie really likes you.”

“That can’t be right,” Jaehyun denied immediately. Taeyong rolled his eyes dramatically, putting his hands on his hips.

“You’re not _blind,_ Jaehyun. Jaehyunnie. Honey.” Taeyong hiccuped. “You have to see how jealous he gets when you pay more attention to Mark.”

“Mark and I barely know each other,” Jaehyun said without really thinking, unable to process the rest of Taeyong’s words. “He’s just—“

“Johnny’s brother,” Taeyong finished. “They don’t look anything alike.”

Jaehyun studied Taeyong’s face for a moment, but found no trace of sadness when he spoke about Johnny. It was the alcohol, most likely, but it brought a sense of comfort to Jaehyun anyway. It really felt like things were going to be okay, no matter what happened.

“They really don’t,” Jaehyun laughed, but he was still stuck on what Taeyong had said before. Jaemin…liked him? As in, Jaemin had feelings for him? He tried to think back to the time they’ve spent together, wondering if Jaemin treated him any differently than he did Taeyong or Yuta. Except for the time he got completely shitfaced and Jaemin took him home, Jaehyun couldn’t recall Jaemin ever looking at him in a particular way that would imply he had a crush.

A crush.

On Jaehyun?

“Jaehyun. Jaehyun!” Taeyong’s voice cut through the haze of Jaehyun’s thoughts. He looked concerned, clumsy fingers fumbling to pat Jaehyun’s cheeks in order to gain his attention.

“Oh, sorry, Taeyongie. I spaced out.” Jaehyun offered his friend an apologetic smile. Taeyong squinted at him, hooking his arm around Jaehyun’s and leaning in close.

“Jaehyunnie,” Taeyong whispered. “Do _you_ like Jaemin back?”

“I can’t,” Jaehyun said immediately, then followed up with, “and he doesn’t like me.”

“He _does,_ ” Taeyong sulked, stomping his foot like a toddler throwing a tantrum. “He likes you! You can’t tell me I’m wrong, I’m your boss! I know things!”

“Shh, Taeyongie, shh,” Jaehyun soothed, running his hands down Taeyong’s sides in an attempt to calm him. “Please be quiet, we’re in public.”

Thankfully, Taeyong settled down, slumping against Jaehyun bonelessly. Jaehyun sighed, but he wrapped his arms around Taeyong once more. He was thankful no one had walked in on them yet, because it was an awkward situation to be in.

“Let’s go back to our table, okay?” Jaehyun suggested, thanking the heavens when Taeyong nodded agreeably. He led Taeyong out of the bathroom and back to where their friends were sitting. If they were wondering why it took them almost twenty minutes to return, they didn’t say anything.

“Jaemin _likes_ you,” Taeyong insisted quietly before he pulled away, plopping down in his seat. Jaehyun looked around nervously, but it seemed like no one heard, so he sat down with a relieved sigh. The ice in his drink had already melted, watering it down. Jaehyun stared at his drink, two shades lighter than when he had left it. He couldn’t stop thinking about what Taeyong had said in the bathroom.

_Jaehyunnie, do you like Jaemin back?_

Jaehyun had never liked anyone. He never had time, always too busy studying, and once he graduated, too busy with work. He thought maybe he had a crush on Johnny, but he realized that he just wanted to be friends, and it was more of an idolization than anything. Then, he thought he had a crush on Taeyong, but he never really spent time thinking about it, and by the time that Johnny and Taeyong had announced they were dating, Jaehyun never bothered considering his feelings. Now, he felt nothing but fondness and platonic love for his best friend. At one point, he thought maybe he liked Yuta, but he just found his friend pretty.

He didn’t know why this question had him stumped. Did he like Jaemin? Objectively, Jaemin was good looking. Everyone in their unit had said so at least once or twice. Taeyong was currently pinching Jaemin’s cheeks, saying “our handsome Jaeminnie” as Jaemin sat there unable to fend him off. And Jaemin had a great personality, obviously, or Jaehyun wouldn’t have given him the time of day. Jaemin was caring, and kind-hearted. He went out of his way to make sure everyone around him was happy. But those were just facts—it didn’t mean Jaehyun had _feelings_ for Jaemin.

_Stop thinking about it objectively, Jaehyun,_ a voice that sounded like Johnny’s resounded in his mind. _How do you feel when you’re around him?_

“Pretty normal,” Jaehyun said aloud without thinking. Luckily, Yuta and Jeno were currently arm-wrestling, and the chaos was loud enough to cover up Jaehyun’s stupidity.

_Try harder._ Jaehyun scowled at the voice in his head.

_I feel happy, I guess. But I feel happy around my other friends, too. Maybe…I pay a lot of attention to him, I think. I think about what he likes, and I remember his food and drink orders. I remember the things he tells me even if they’re insignificant. Does that mean I like him?_

Just then, the table burst into cheers as Jeno finally pinned down Yuta’s arm. Jaehyun watched as Jaemin threw his head back in laughter, the sound cutting through all the other background noise until it was the only thing Jaehyun could hear. Jaemin looked gorgeous when he laughed. Jaehyun’s stomach lurched despite the warm feeling in his chest, and he startled at his body’s reaction.

_Oh no,_ Jaehyun thought. _Maybe I do like Jaemin._

x.

Jaehyun was having a crisis.

He was lucky that everyone was too distracted to notice how quiet he had gotten. At some time during the night, most of the party had drifted off to play billiards, except for Jeno who had gone home early. Only he, Taeyong, Jaemin, and Mark remained at the table. Jaehyun was quietly discussing basketball with Mark, something they found out they both had in common, but he was too distracted to get into it.

Did he always stare at Jaemin like this? He caught himself so many times getting lost in the curve of Jaemin’s throat, or the way his hair fell over his eyes, or the way his front teeth sometimes poked out from beneath his top lip. He couldn’t help but focus on Jaemin’s expressive eyebrows, or the points of his ears, or the way his lips always curled up whenever he spoke. Was he always this obsessed with the way Jaemin looked in the warm orange lights of the pub? Or was it because Taeyong had brought up the possibility of Jaehyun having a crush, and now Jaehyun was just hyper-aware of his actions.

Did Jaehyun even like Jaemin, or was he just overthinking what Taeyong said to the point where he believed he did? He’d never even had feelings for someone before. He couldn’t be sure if his feelings were true, or fleeting, or something he made up in his head because Taeyong brought it up. He wasn’t even certain that Jaemin had feelings for him in return.

_Should I say something to him?_ Jaehyun thought to himself, regarding Jaemin carefully. He seemed to be arguing with Taeyong about puppies versus kittens. He was endearing, but Jaehyun also found Taeyong endearing, and he didn’t like Taeyong. Or, did he? Jaehyun squinted at his best friend, but concluded that there were no romantic feelings involved. He tried the same on Jaemin, but was left at a loss. Of course there were different feelings. Jaemin was younger, and despite his intelligence, more naive. He was innocent. He had known Taeyong for much longer, and they’d been through hell and back together. But in some ways, he felt the same about Jaemin and Taeyong. He wanted to protect them, and shield them from dangers. He also wanted to spend time with them, and make them happy. What was the difference between romantic and platonic feelings? The difference between romantic and physical attraction?

Jaehyun regretted the decision to stay sober as the rest of the group drifted back over, having finished their game of billiards that didn’t seem to follow any of the usual rules. Yuta announced that he was going home, Taeyong ended up joining him. Despite the fact that he initially abstained from drinking to take care of Taeyong, he didn’t want to deal with Taeyong’s prying questions, so he felt relief wash over him when Taeyong drunkenly stumbled into Yuta’s arms.

Mark ended up going with Yuta and Taeyong, having drank a little too much and feeling sick. Jaehyun turned to Jaemin, expecting him to go with them, but the youngest remained in his seat, staring at something in his phone.

“What are you looking at?” Jaehyun asked curiously. Jaemin turned his phone around to show a picture they had taken outside of the restaurant. It featured him, Jaemin, Taeyong, Yuta, Mark, Jeno, and Doyoung, who were the first to arrive for Jaemin’s goodbye party. They had asked a passerby to take the photo and they did a good job. “Oh, that’s a nice photo.”

“It is.” Jaemin sounded choked up, and when Jaehyun looked at his face in alarm, he saw tears gathering in the younger’s eyes. “I’m really gonna miss being part of the unit.”

Distressed, Jaehyun’s hands fluttered uselessly, unsure of what to do and how he could help. He settled for passing Jaemin a few napkins from the holder, not knowing what boundaries were set in place and what lines he shouldn’t cross to comfort him.

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” Jaehyun asked, frantically patting Jaemin’s shoulder in an attempt to console him. “Please don’t cry.” _I don’t know if I can handle it._

“Nothing!” Jaemin was quick to assure him. “I just…I don’t have any friends except for Mark and Jeno, and they’re usually too busy to spend time with me. I guess it gets a little lonely. Working with you guys…it felt like I had friends. I didn’t have to go days without talking to anyone anymore.”

Now this was a feeling Jaehyun knew all too well. In the past, he only had Johnny, but even before that, he had no friends. Nobody wanted to be friends with a nerd, and especially not one like Jaehyun, who was smarter than all of them combined. His classmates didn’t like how stupid he made them feel, even if Jaehyun never meant it. It had gotten to the point where Jaehyun would purposely isolate himself from others, because he was making them feel bad, and in turn, they were making him feel worse. Even when he met Johnny, the older male was always so busy, so he spent most of his days alone in his room.

When he graduated and became a paramedic, it was a little easier. Despite the fact that he worked almost sixty hours a week, he spent more time with people like Taeyong and Yuta. And Johnny had more time for him too, because they were often working those long shifts together. When it was him, Johnny, and Taeyong against the world, Jaehyun had never felt happier.

“I know,” Jaehyun said quietly. “I know how awful it can be. But remember, you have Mark and Jeno, and you’ll always have me, and the others at the station. You have all our numbers, you can contact us at any point, and you can probably visit us a couple times.”

“I can?” Jaemin asked, eyes wide and pleading. Jaehyun melted, his heart softening at this boy who was just like him.

“Of course you can,” Jaehyun said firmly. “We’re friends, okay? You have us.”

“Okay,” was all Jaemin said, but he looked pleased. Jaehyun sighed in relief now that Jaemin was no longer on the verge of tears. With all the alcohol he had consumed, Jaehyun wouldn’t be surprised if Jaemin was feeling overly emotional.

“Hey, Jaehyun, I’m gonna head out,” Doyoung said, appearing from out of nowhere at Jaehyun’s side. “Don’t worry about the tab, I paid for it. Congratulations again, Jaemin!”

“Thank you,” Jaemin replied sweetly, flashing Doyoung a dazzling smile. To Jaehyun’s surprise, and probably to Jaemin’s as well, Doyoung bent down and gave the younger a quick hug before ruffling his hair and exiting the restaurant.

Doyoung wasn’t really the affectionate type, and Jaemin hadn’t spent as much time working with Doyoung as he did with Yuta and Jaehyun, but Jaemin had left enough of an impact on Doyoung that he felt the need to hug him goodbye. If Jaemin still had any doubts after Jaehyun’s little speech, they were surely erased by Doyoung’s actions just then.

“I think I’m gonna call Jeno to pick me up, I don’t want to be alone right now,” Jaemin said as Jaehyun began arranging the empty plates and glasses to make it easier for the waitress to clean up. He left her a hefty tip as an apology for the lengthy duration their party had spent taking up a table, then helped Jaemin out of his seat as he called Jeno. Listening to Jaemin whine while they made their way through the restaurant and to the front doors made Jaehyun laugh.

Finally, Jeno agreed to come get Jaemin, who said a sweet “thank you~” before hanging up the phone, slumping against the wall outside the pub. His breath fogged in the frigid air, but he didn’t seem to notice the chill, instead staring at the passing cars with interest. Jaehyun checked his social media, liking the pictures that Taeyong and Yuta had posted.

“Jaehyun?”

“Yes, Jaemin?”

Jaemin kicked at a pebble on the ground and nearly slipped off the wall. Jaehyun considered going back inside to get him some water but decided he didn’t want to leave Jaemin by himself.

“Are you and Taeyong dating?”

Jaehyun’s head snapped up so fast he nearly gave himself whiplash, staring at Jaemin bewilderedly. Where the hell did that come from?

“Jaemin, Taeyong is _engaged._ To _Johnny_.”

“Oh,” Jaemin said, “sorry. You guys just act like a couple?”

Jaehyun blinked. “Do we? I suppose I wouldn’t know. I’ve never been in a relationship before.”

Jaemin’s eyes widened in shock. His face was so expressive, Jaehyun could tell what he was thinking without him saying anything. “You haven’t?”

“I’ve never had the time,” Jaehyun said with a shrug. Was it really that shocking to never have been in a relationship? He was still young, and it wasn’t as if he was totally inexperienced in sex and dating. He had just never done long-term. “Is it surprising?”

“Yeah, I mean. You’re so handsome and nice, it’s hard to believe you’ve never had a relationship before,” Jaemin said. Jaehyun squinted at him. If he thought Jaehyun was handsome, did that mean Jaemin had feelings for him? But Taeyong said Jaemin was handsome all the time. What was the difference between flirting and friendliness?

Jaehyun almost wanted to stamp his feet the way Taeyong did in the bathroom. Why were feelings so complicated? He opened his mouth to ask Jaemin directly, but had a realization and promptly shut it. What if Jaemin _didn’t_ have feelings for Jaehyun, and Jaehyun bringing it up made the friendship awkward? Or worse, what if he pressured Jaemin into liking him back?

Feelings, Jaehyun decided as Jeno pulled up to the curb and Jaemin said goodbye, were too complicated. It was better to not have them at all.

So, as Jaehyun waved goodbye to Jaemin, telling him to get home safe, he resolved to bury them deep inside and never think about them again.

xi.

**jaemin**

Status: Incoming

_good morning!_

_you’ve been working a lot of overnights_

_make sure you get sufficient rest_

Sent 7:04 am

**Jaehyun**

Status: Outgoing

_I will, thank you_

_Make sure you do too_

_Study hard_

Delivered 7:22 am

Jaehyun woke up with a start and realized he had fallen asleep on the break room couch sometime after his shift ended. He had been running himself ragged as the cold weather led to an increase of traffic accidents. He rarely got more than one day off anymore.

Running a hand over his face, he pushed himself off the couch, wincing when he felt the sharp ache in his back. The couch was definitely not meant for sleeping on. In the station, there was a room with cots that Taeyong had put in for those who were too tired to drive after a long shift, but Jaehyun apparently hadn’t had the energy to drag himself there.

He sat there staring blankly at the wall until Taeyong walked in a few minutes later, probably having just clocked out. He startled upon seeing Jaehyun sitting there, and both of them laughed tiredly.

“Fell asleep?” Taeyong asked sympathetically. Jaehyun only nodded, too tired to speak as he pulled out his phone. It was already half past nine, which meant he had napped undisturbed for two hours. “I have something I want to ask you.”

_Please don’t be about Jaemin,_ Jaehyun thought immediately, then pushed that thought out of his mind. Despite his resolve to bury any potential feelings, he still found himself wondering if he liked the younger male, and he couldn’t stop thinking about it. _If I can’t stop thinking about it, does that mean I like him?_

“They…the doctors are saying it’s time, and…and I agree. I don’t think we should wait anymore, just helplessly hoping.”

_Helplessly hoping._ Was it helpless or hopeless, to pray for Johnny to wake up?

“I wish I didn’t, but I agree too,” Jaehyun said faintly. “Maybe it’s time to let him rest.”

“When we go through with it—“ _When,_ not _if._ This was really happening. “—I don’t want to be alone. Will you go on vacation with me?”

Jaehyun blinked. “A vacation?”

Taeyong nodded. “Somewhere nice. With beaches, maybe. I don’t…I don’t want it to be like before.”

And by before, Taeyong meant when he and Jaehyun had drowned themselves in work in order to cope with the grief. It hadn’t been healthy for either of them.

“Of course,” Jaehyun said, clasping Taeyong’s hands in his own. He did this action often, but it felt wrong without the metal of Taeyong’s engagement ring pressing into his skin. His throat closed up, and his chest ached something fierce. “Of course, I will, Taeyongie.”

Taeyong pulled away to reach for his phone, and Jaehyun assumed he was going to pull some strings to get the vacation time for both of them. Jaehyun wandered into the bathroom, pulling out a disposable toothbrush from the cabinet to get rid of the sour taste in his mouth. When he came back, Taeyong was still typing away on his phone, so Jaehyun went to start the coffeemaker. His own phone buzzed with a text.

**jaemin**

Status: Incoming

_you’ve done a lot for me_

_so i’d like to do something for you_

_tomorrow is your day off_

_i’ll pick you up at 9:30!!_

Sent 9:42 am

**Jaehyun**

Status: Outgoing

_I admit, you have me intrigued_

_I’ll indulge you just this once_

_Here’s my address_

Delivered 9:43 am

**jaemin**

Status: Incoming

_great bc idk what i’d do if you said no_

_lmaooo_

_didn’t think that far ahead_

Sent 9:44 am

Jaehyun smiled fondly and put his phone away, pouring himself a cup of coffee and, after a moment of debate, grabbed a mug for Taeyong too. He added cream and sugar, and a little bit of cocoa just the way Taeyong liked it. He brought the mugs over to the couch and Taeyong accepted his gratefully.

“Who are you texting?” Jaehyun asked curiously when Taeyong didn’t let up.

“Oh, just Jaeminnie,” Taeyong said. “He’s worried about a presentation he has to do today.”

“Well, apparently we’re hanging out tomorrow, so I’ll be sure to cheer him up if he did badly,” Jaehyun replied, sipping leisurely at his coffee. If he was honest, he wanted to go home and sleep properly, but he didn’t want to leave Taeyong alone.

Taeyong leaned his head on Jaehyun’s shoulder, and Jaehyun adjusted so he would fit more comfortably. They sat in silence as Jaehyun read an article on his phone and Taeyong did whatever he was doing. Jaehyun frowned at an article about the Australian wildfires and sent in a donation, pursing his lips unhappily. He felt for the emergency services who were constantly battling the natural disaster.

“Do you want to come over?” Jaehyun asked Taeyong, who had finally stopped texting and instead was dozing against Jaehyun’s shoulder.

“Yes,” Taeyong said immediately, and helped Jaehyun to his feet. Despite the fact that Taeyong had gotten even less sleep than Jaehyun, he seemed wide awake, and Jaehyun’s admiration for Taeyong bloomed once more. “I need _sleep._ ”

“You know my guest room is always open for you.”

Ever since the accident, Jaehyun had extended the offer of Taeyong moving in temporarily. He was worried about Taeyong being alone. But Taeyong had declined, saying he was fine, and there was nothing else Jaehyun could do about it.

“I know,” Taeyong said warmly, and that was that.

“Let’s go,” Jaehyun said, offering his hand. Taeyong set his mug in the sink and took Jaehyun’s hand, leading him to his car. Jaehyun suggested he drive, but Taeyong was adamant, saying that Jaehyun was too tired and there was no way he was letting him drive. Jaehyun _was_ tired, and so he agreed, curling up in the passenger seat of Taeyong’s car.

Taeyong turned on the radio, and sang along quietly to the hit songs. This was something familiar to Jaehyun, who closed his eyes and listened. He possessed an inability to sleep in moving vehicles, but Taeyong’s voice and presence relaxed him enough that he could doze.

Although this scene was familiar, he hadn’t actually heard Taeyong sing in a long time. Their car rides together were filled with silence, both of them too tense to speak. Car rides used to make them nervous.

_Oh,_ Jaehyun thought, opening his eyes. The road ahead hadn’t changed, but somehow he saw things differently. _This is moving on._

He wasn’t sure if he was happy about it.

xii.

Jaemin showed up at Jaehyun’s door at exactly 9:30 on the dot. Jaehyun didn’t think college students could be so punctual.

He was already awake and dressed, but Taeyong, who had stayed the night, was still in bed, refusing to get up. When Jaehyun opened the door to the guest bedroom, only the tips of Taeyong’s hair could be seen poking out from under the blanket.

“Taeyongie, Jaemin’s here to see you.”

“No,” Taeyong muttered petulantly, burrowing deeper under the covers. Jaehyun shrugged helplessly at Jaemin, who looked both amused and bewildered by the way his former boss was acting.

“He won’t get up,” Jaehyun said exasperatedly, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Can I go in?” Jaemin whispered loudly. Jaehyun waved at him dismissively, telling him “ _do whatever you want”_ , and Jaemin grinned, padding into the room. His fuzzy socks barely made a noise on the wood floor, and Taeyong had no warning before Jaemin flung himself onto the bed.

Taeyong let out an ear-piercing shriek, immediately throwing off the covers as Jaemin cackled obnoxiously. Jaehyun left when Taeyong started beating Jaemin with a pillow, choosing to abstain from the violence and instead make breakfast for when Taeyong inevitably demanded it.

Twenty minutes later, he had omelettes and chopped fruit prepared, but all was silent in the guest bedroom. Wondering if Taeyong had killed Jaemin for disturbing his sleep, Jaehyun crept down the hall, poking his head into the room.

Jaemin and Taeyong were curled together, fast asleep. Somehow, they had gone from screaming bloody murder at each other to cuddling, with Taeyong’s head on top of Jaemin’s. Jaehyun leaned on the doorframe and watched them silently, shaking his head.

When neither of them stirred, he sighed and returned to the kitchen to eat breakfast by himself. An overworked unit captain and a busy university student both needed the rest, no matter how short.

Half an hour passed and Jaemin finally padded into the kitchen, hair an unruly mess, but looking extremely content. Judging by the sound of running water, Taeyong was probably in the shower. Which meant he was going to steal Jaehyun’s clothes. Jaehyun slid a bowl of fruit over to Jaemin who happily sat down to eat, viciously spearing a cantaloupe cube.

“Taeyong’s gonna come with us,” Jaemin said around the fruit.

“And where, exactly, are we going?” Jaehyun asked, eyebrows raised. When Jaemin only shrugged in response, much to Jaehyun’s annoyance, he groaned.

“What’s with the mystery? And is it okay that we didn’t leave at nine-thirty like you planned?”

“Sure, it’s fine,” Jaemin replied, completely ignoring Jaehyun’s first question. “We have until nine pm anyway. I just thought it’d be better to go early, but napping with Taeyong was the best.”

They ate in comfortable silence until Taeyong appeared, dressed in Jaehyun’s shirt and a pair of sweatpants he must have left there at some point. They talked about Jaemin’s studies, and Jaehyun asked how Mark was doing. He had been worried about the youngest Seo for a while now, unable to tell how Mark was really feeling about Johnny. Jaemin excitedly told them about how Mark would be attending an overseas conference next month, clearly pleased for his friend.

Jaehyun washed the dishes while Taeyong dried. Jaemin wiped the table and counter with a soft cloth, fitting in like he’d always been there. Jaemin was an unfamiliar cog in the machine, but he blended in effortlessly. Jaehyun got distracted watching him work, and when he turned back around, Taeyong was giving him a knowing look.

He decided at that moment that the only way for him to figure out if he had feelings for Jaemin was to ask Taeyong. There was no way he could do it on his own, not when romantic feelings confused him. He had tried searching it up yesterday, his Google search history filled with questions like _how to tell if you like someone? How to tell if someone likes you? What is a crush? What’s the difference between platonic and romantic feelings?_ But the results hadn’t helped much at all. Most of them were targeted at teenage girls and their crushes on boys. Jaehyun, unhappy with the forced gender roles and blatant sexism prominent in ninety percent of the articles, had given up and closed the tab.

“Should we leave now?” Jaehyun asked Jaemin, who nodded. After a frantic five minutes of searching for Taeyong’s wallet (which had somehow ended up under the couch), they finally exited the building. Taeyong dragged Jaehyun into the backseat of Jaemin’s car (which, Jaehyun concluded, actually belonged to Jeno) to play a game of ABC Slap.

Jaehyun was distracted by the game because Taeyong had freakish reflexes, and he didn’t notice where they were heading until Jaemin pulled into the parking lot. He froze when he caught sight of the building, his blood running cold in his veins.

_Mount Farrow Private Healthcare._

“No,” Jaehyun said loudly as the realization dawned on him. “No, I’m not going in.”

“Jaehyun.” Taeyong’s voice was so gentle, but the sharpness of the betrayal stung. Taeyong _knew_ he couldn’t handle it, and still brought him here. Jaehyun felt like the walls of the car were closing in on him. He couldn’t _breathe._ He fumbled for the buckle of his seatbelt and leapt out of the car, planning to run before a hand closed around his wrist, stopping him in his tracks.

“Jaehyun, _please._ I can’t let him go, not until you say goodbye. I’ll regret it so much. _You’ll_ regret it so much.”

Jaehyun gritted his teeth, attempting to pull his hand from Taeyong’s grasp and failing. “Let go of me.”

“ _Jaehyun._ ” Taeyong was crying now, and somewhere inside Jaehyun felt guilty, but he was too blinded by his anger and hurt. “Please.”

“I don’t want to!” Jaehyun cried, giving up on struggling and instead glaring at Taeyong. “I don’t want to say goodbye.”

“You need _closure,_ Jaehyunnie. _I_ need closure. And I _can’t_ do this alone.” Tears leaked from Taeyong’s eyes, streaming down his cheeks, and suddenly Jaehyun felt like a monster. He sagged, pulling Taeyong into a hug to comfort him, because that was all he knew how to do. Taeyong clung to his jacket, already calming down. Even now, he was able to keep his emotions under control so quickly, and Jaehyun couldn’t help but be impressed.

“I’m really mad at you right now,” Jaehyun said, holding Taeyong tightly.

“I know,” Taeyong replied, and that was that. He let Taeyong lead him into the hospital. Everything passed by in a blur, and he didn’t realized Jaemin wasn’t with them until they had stopped in front of Johnny’s room, 3004. Jaehyun had the number memorized, but he had never come to visit.

Inside, the room was bright. Of course it was. It wasn’t like the light would affect the patient inside. Jaehyun hesitated at the doorway, wanting nothing more than to go home. Taeyong hovered behind him, and Jaehyun could tell he was distressed.

Before Jaehyun could go in, a nurse dressed in pale pink scrubs stepped outside of the room. He was shorter than Jaehyun, with jet black hair and pixie-like features.

“Hello,” the nurse said, holding out a hand. “You must be Jaehyun. Taeyong has told me a lot about you. My name’s Ten, I’m Johnny’s primary nurse.”

Jaehyun swallowed nervously, but he didn’t take Ten’s hand. “You’ve been taking care of him?”

“I have,” Ten said firmly. “Johnny is a perfect patient. No bed sores, no pneumonia. His body doesn’t reject the feeding tube, either.”

Each word coming out of Ten’s mouth felt like a smack to the face. “I–Is that common?”

“In comatose patients? Yes. Also seizures and deformation. As primary caretaker, it’s my job to prevent these things from happening,” Ten said matter-of-factly. “But…your Johnny is a fighter.”

Jaehyun’s mouth went dry. _His_ Johnny. “He always has been. Can I see him?”

A hand fisted in the back of his shirt when Ten nodded. Either a comforting gesture, or one meant to ground him as they walked past Ten into the room. Jaehyun’s gaze caught on the countless machines, eyes travelling up to Johnny’s face. He didn’t know what he was expecting. A mask strapped to his face like in the movies, maybe, or for Johnny to look like a complete zombie. There was intubation through his nose, but that didn’t scare Jaehyun. Johnny had lost a lot of weight, that was obvious, but for the most part, he just looked like he was sleeping. His hair had grown out past his ears, and was tucked back to show his face.

“Johnny,” Jaehyun whimpered without thinking, stumbling across the room. He didn’t reach out to touch, instead just wrapping his arms around himself. A myriad of emotions bubbled up inside of him, but he wasn’t sure what to think or feel. He felt like crying, but for some reason, the tears didn’t come. Taeyong stood next to him, reaching out to gently cup Johnny’s face. Jaehyun looked away.

This was his fault.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Taeyong said suddenly. “But this was not your fault. You need to stop blaming yourself, Jaehyun.”

“How?” Jaehyun whispered.

“Blame the weather that night. Blame the tires. Blame anything or anyone but yourself because there was nothing you could _do,_ Jaehyun. You’ve been in pain for such a long time, and I understand. But you’ve been holding on for too long, Jaehyunnie. It’s time to let _go._ ”

“I don’t _want_ to let go,” Jaehyun said fiercely. “How can you not blame me? I was behind the wheel that night.”

“Because it was never your _fault._ ” Taeyong cupped Jaehyun’s face gently, eyes brimming with tears. “I don’t blame you, so you can’t blame yourself.”

Jaehyun squeezed his eyes shut. “I don’t know how to live without Johnny.”

“But you are. You’ve made new friends by yourself, you go to work, you still keep up with your hobbies. Whether or not you pursue anything with Jaeminnie, you’ve still made progress. You’re doing better than I am, at this point.”

“I don’t _want_ to live without Johnny,” Jaehyun admitted finally, hands coming up to clutch at Taeyong’s wrists.

“I don’t want to either,” Taeyong cried, pressing their foreheads together. “I keep reaching for him even though he’s not there, but…we can’t keep going like this. Not when the chance of him making a full recovery is less than ten percent.”

“I hate that you’re right,” Jaehyun whispered, pulling away. Taeyong opened his mouth to continue, but they were interrupted by a series of loud beeping coming from the monitors surrounding Johnny’s bed.

Both of their heads snapped to Johnny who was arched almost completely off the bed. His body was wracked with tremors. Taeyong screamed, and Jaehyun pulled him back from the bed as Ten and two other nurses burst into the room.

“You need to leave,” Ten told them calmly. Jaehyun wondered how he could be so calm, even though he knew he was literally the same in a crisis. Taeyong was near hysterics, and this was the worst he’d ever seen his friend. Helplessly, Jaehyun yanked Taeyong out of the room, and held him tightly.

“Oh my god, oh my god,” Taeyong kept repeating, trembling in Jaehyun’s arms. “What the fuck is happening to him?”

“I don’t know, Taeyong.” A seizure, most likely. Perhaps Ten had jinxed it, though Jaehyun wasn’t superstitious. “I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye.”

“Stop,” Taeyong sobbed. “Don’t _say_ that. He’ll be fine.”

Taeyong wasn’t the type to deny reality, but Jaehyun wasn’t going to hold it against him. Even when another nurse directed them to the waiting room downstairs, he didn’t let go of Taeyong. Guilt burned in his chest and stomach, and he stared out the window with unseeing eyes.

There was nothing else left to do but wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i took so long to update i am... so sorry


	3. i can’t do anything

xiii.

Jaemin came in three hours later, brandishing food for Taeyong and Jaehyun to eat. It was a struggle to get Taeyong to eat anything at all, but finally they got him to manage a few bites.

Jaehyun had a brief, fleeting thought that he should be angry with Jaemin. None of this would have happened if Jaemin hadn’t made them go. But Jaehyun figured that Taeyong had encouraged Jaemin, and the younger male was just doing his best to help, so he couldn’t find it in himself to be mad.

“C’mon, Taeyongie,” Jaehyun said, holding up a piece of sushi with his chopsticks. “I know you don’t want to, but you have to eat.”

“It’s hard,” Taeyong said hoarsely, but he took a bite anyway. He chewed so slowly that Jaehyun gave up, closing the container and putting it back into the bag. He didn’t want to upset Taeyong anymore, not when he was this close to breaking.

There was no news. Jaehyun had gone up to check half an hour ago, but the nurse manning the desk on the third floor had told him that he couldn’t go in. He had returned downstairs, feeling jittery and high-strung. Jaemin’s arrival seemed to help Taeyong at least, as he was no longer shaking. Jaemin told him stories about the stupid shit he’d get up to with Jeno, or how Jeno’s new boyfriend Donghyuck was a complete menace. Taeyong even smiled faintly a couple of times, and obediently drank water when Jaemin told him to. The stress multiplied with each minute, and Jaehyun found himself biting at his nails while waiting for the news.

After another anxiety-filled half hour, Ten walked into the waiting room and immediately beelined towards them. Jaehyun couldn’t read his face, and he sat up so quickly that Taeyong jumped. Jaemin paused the game on his phone and they were on the edge of their seats before Ten could even speak.

“He woke up,” is the first thing Ten blurted out. “It was only for a few minutes, but he was definitely conscious.”

Stunned, Jaehyun could barely even process it. Luckily, Taeyong was at his side, and was much more capable of asking the questions they needed answers to.

“What about now? Is he okay? Can we see him?” Taeyong rushed to say all at once, the words spilling from his lips in a jumbled mess. Jaemin placed a hand on Taeyong’s knee to calm him.

“He’s unconscious again, but it’s a normal sleep. His condition is stable. We’re running some tests now,” Ten said, then hesitated. “I do have to warn you. Johnny suffered a traumatic brain injury. It’s a miracle that he can even breathe on his own. We don’t know if he’s fully functional. We don’t even know if he is aware of his surroundings. He may not be able to eat, or talk, or walk. We can’t guarantee that he will make a full recovery and that there are no everlasting side effects, or worse.”

Ten handed them a thick stack of pamphlets. Jaehyun shuffled through them, his chest aching with every word he read. Amnesia. Paralysis. Hallucinations. Seizures. Mental disorders. There were also pamphlets on physical therapy, which Jaehyun understood. It didn’t change the fact that he was terrified.

“So, even if we get him back, he might not be our Johnny anymore,” Taeyong said, sounding lost.

“If he survives, there’s less than a three percent chance of full recovery,” Ten said softly. “It is best to start preparing for the worst-case scenario.”

“The worst case scenario is that he dies,” Jaehyun said. “There’s a chance, right? Then we still have hope.”

“Jaehyun–“

“It’s Johnny, Taeyong,” Jaehyun insisted, turning to face Taeyong head-on. “He’s always been good at beating the odds.”

A hand gently pressed at the small of his back. Jaehyun turned to see Jaemin looking at him with a small smile. “No one’s saying he won’t make a full recovery, Jaehyun. But we should still prepare, just in case. We want Johnny to be comfortable when he comes back, right? We want him to have everything he needs.”

Jaehyun nodded. “Yeah, you’re right.” To Ten he said, “can we see him?”

Ten shook his head. “I’m sorry, but not today. Come back first thing tomorrow morning when visitor hours are open, and I swear you’ll get to see him.”

Jaehyun and Taeyong immediately wanted to protest, but Jaemin sticking his hand out made them pause. He closed all his fingers except for his pinky, leaving it extended in front of Ten.

“Promise?” Jaemin asked.

Ten smiled, wrapping his own pinky around Jaemin’s. “I promise.”

“Jaehyunnie, Taeyongie,” Jaemin said sweetly. “We should go. It’s not fair to take up seats that other people might need. Look, it’s really busy. There’s nothing more that we could do. We should have faith in Tennie, right? He’s been taking such good care of Johnny. He hasn’t even gotten sick.”

Jaemin could convince the sun to set early. Jaehyun found that he couldn’t deny him, and Taeyong seemed to agree by the way he let Jaemin help him to his feet.

“Do you wanna go to mine?” Jaehyun asked Taeyong softly. To his surprise, Taeyong shook his head resolutely.

“Let’s go to my house. I need your help with something.”

“I can come too, if you want,” Jaemin offered, leading them out the main doors of the hospital and towards Jeno’s car, still in the parking lot despite the high fees. Taeyong nodded gratefully, and Jaemin intertwined their fingers, swinging their arms happily between them as he hummed.

Jaehyun’s throat tightened. Jaemin really was just like Johnny.

“What do you need help with?” Jaehyun asked conversationally, trying to keep the mood up. Although it seemed as if it was for his own sake, rather than Taeyong’s, who looked relatively fine despite the obvious signs of distress.

Taeyong’s gaze hardened. “I need to prepare for when Johnny comes back.”

When, not if.

They were done helplessly hoping.

xiv.

Taeyong didn’t get into moods like this often, but Jaehyun was familiar with them anyway. Poor, unsuspecting Jaemin had no clue what he was signing up for.

He didn’t like to talk about his family, but Jaehyun knew Taeyong came from money. Still, Taeyong was a simple man, and he rarely indulged in luxuries. Taeyong had once confessed that he had large amounts of money sitting in different bank accounts, more sunk into investments, and even more in assets.

It was the one secret he never told Johnny, but it explained how Taeyong was able to pay off all of Johnny’s hospital bills upfront. Keeping a comatose patient alive and relatively healthy, in a private institution with nurses caring for him 24/7, cost thousands and thousands of dollars.

“It’s worth it,” Taeyong had told him, and Jaehyun had never disagreed.

From the very beginning, until now, Taeyong had never fully lost hope

Now, Taeyong was currently planning to renovate his home. From the master bedroom being moved to the first floor, to the kitchen being expanded, to a ramp built into the front porch, he was thinking of it all. Jaemin was excitedly throwing in ideas, and Taeyong agreed with all of them while Jaehyun watched them in both amusement and slight horror. He had never been frugal with his spending, but this was rather…excessive.

It was a perfect pet project for Taeyong, who would need something to distract him in the upcoming days. Jaehyun read through the pamphlets, and found that it could take days, weeks, or months for Johnny to recover enough to leave the hospital. He read about disabilities, speech therapy, and physical therapy. He looked up recovery stories of patients who woke up from long-term comas.

Wouldn’t it be a waste, though? A tiny voice in the back of his mind said. If he spent all this money, and Johnny never came home?

Jaehyun looked at Taeyong who was laughing over Pinterest boards with Jaemin, looking the happiest he had been in months.

No, Jaehyun told himself. Everything will be worth it.

Because it’s Johnny.

xv.

Jaemin and Jaehyun both slept over at Taeyong’s. Jaehyun took the couch upon his insistence, and Jaemin took the guest bedroom. Taeyong holed himself up in his bedroom, presumably staying up all night to make renovation plans.

On his phone, Jaehyun continued to look up posts, articles, and discussions about former comatose patients. He researched everything from amnesia to medications to seizures. Whatever happened with Johnny, he wanted to be prepared. It didn’t matter if Johnny could never speak again, or if he forgot Jaehyun’s name. If there was a chance Johnny could live again, nothing else mattered.

Jaemin came out just as the sun was beginning to rise, and they silently prepared breakfast together. By the time Taeyong woke up, there was a mini feast spread on the kitchen table. Jaehyun loved cooking at Taeyong's because Taeyong somehow always managed to keep his fridge fully stocked with fresh groceries despite the obscene amount of hours he put in at the station every week.

Taeyong stumbled into the kitchen still half asleep. Jaemin teased him for his wild bed head while Jaehyun cut his toast into bite sized pieces, and Taeyong sat down to eat, munching happily on a thick slice of bacon. Taeyong chatted on and on about potentially getting a service dog for Johnny, and he and Jaemin spent the rest of breakfast searching up service animal providers.

“What about a service alpaca?” Jaehyun threw in.

Jaemin gasped. “Can we do that? Taeyongie, can we get a service alpaca?”

Taeyong glared at Jaehyun as if to say see what you did? before desperately trying to convince Jaemin that it was not practical (and he didn’t think it was possible) to get a service alpaca. Jaemin argued that when he was in high school, therapy alpacas came to visit during finals week all the time. Taeyong argued that therapy animals and service animals weren’t the same thing, but Jaemin still insisted on a service alpaca.

“If it’s not a thing we can make it a thing,” Jaemin said.

“No we can’t,” Taeyong stressed, throwing his hands up while Jaehyun snickered in the background. “Jaehyun, back me up here!”

“Sorry, I can’t read suddenly I don’t know.”

“This is a verbal conversation!”

After that chaos, Jaehyun felt like he could breathe a little easier as they climbed into Taeyong’s car.

“You can just drop me off at home,” Jaemin said offhandedly, buckling his seatbelt. Jaehyun paused, a little bit hurt.

“You’re not coming?” Jaemin made things easier. Maybe because he was an outsider to the whole situation, and a stranger to Johnny, but somehow his calming presence settled Jaehyun’s mind.

“You want me there?” Jaemin asked, sounding surprised. Jaehyun exchanged confused glances with Taeyong, who only shrugged, mystified.

“Of course we want you there,” Taeyong said finally.

“Okay,” was all Jaemin said, but he sounded pleased.

Jaehyun waved his phone around as Taeyong started the car. “Mark just texted me, he’s gonna meet us there.”

When Jaehyun had texted Mark the news that Johnny had woken up, the younger Seo hadn’t responded, although he had definitely seen the message. Late last night, Mark had explained that he needed time to process. After making sure he wasn’t alone and that he was alright, Jaehyun had offered to pick him up the next morning.

“Are you sure he doesn’t want a ride?” Taeyong asked, eyebrows furrowed in worry. Although Taeyong had only met Mark once, before Mark had moved to the same city for school, he loved the kid like his own brother. Jaehyun was surprised that Johnny and Taeyong hadn’t gone to visit the Seos more often, but the way Johnny spoke about his parents, he wasn’t that shocked. Johnny kept things from his parents all the time. They hadn’t even known that he was a paramedic until the night of the accident.

“Yeah, he’s getting dropped off by a friend.”

“Jeno?” Jaemin asked, sounding surprised. Jaehyun shrugged back. He had no idea who was dropping Mark off, and Jaemin seemed to not know either. “I wasn’t aware that Mark had any other friends.”

“More than a friend, evidently,” Taeyong commented as he pulled up in front of the hospital. Jaehyun spotted Mark at the doors, arms wrapped around the waist of another boy. Jaemin made a strangled noise in the backseat and tried to open the door, but Taeyong activated the child lock. “I am driving. I need to find a parking space before you go yell at your roommate.”

“I’m gonna rip him a new one,” Jaemin muttered. By the time Taeyong found an empty space, Jaemin was riled up, hopping out of the car immediately and tearing across the parking lot. Jaehyun squinted and it looked like the other boy was already gone, leaving Mark standing alone.

“He’s so reckless,” Taeyong sighed, turning off the engine. They followed Jaemin at a more leisurely pace, but Jaemin was already at the doors, waving his hands around as he spoke. He looked like a cartoon character.

“Renjun Huang?!” Jaemin was yelling. “You’re dating Renjun?!”

“Shut up,” Mark hissed, his face turning red. “It’s a new development, we haven’t put a label on it yet. And can you keep your voice down?”

“Who’s Renjun?” Taeyong inquired, ushering them inside. Visiting hours were about to start and they needed to hurry to Johnny’s unit.

“He’s my enemy,” Jaemin spat while Mark got visibly more flustered. “We’re always competing for the top of the class.” He stalked over to the hand sanitizer station while Mark trailed behind him, awkwardly apologizing. Jaehyun and Taeyong exchanged amused glances before following them.

“He’s not that bad,” Mark protested as they wandered down the hall towards the elevators. “He’s really sweet once you get to know him.”

“He’s my enemy, Mark!” Jaemin whined, sticking out his lower lip. “Plus he hates me. You can’t date someone who hates me!”

Mark rolled his eyes as Jaehyun and Taeyong snickered. “He does not hate you, Jaem. You just think he does because of that time you spilled coffee all over him right before his interview.”

“You did what now?” Taeyong gasped.

“It was an accident!” Now, Jaemin was the one who was getting flustered, refusing to look any of them in the eye as they waited for the elevator. “I honestly didn’t mean to do it, but everyone thought it was because I was jealous of him!”

“Were you?” Jaehyun asked, just as the elevator dinged.

“Yes,” Jaemin admitted. “But not enough to sabotage him, I swear.”

“Do you hate Renjun, Jaemin?” Taeyong asked as he leaned over to press the button for the third floor. Jaehyun laughed as the elevator doors slid shut, then laughed harder when Jaemin stumbled as the elevator lurched and Mark had to steady him before he fell over.

“Of course not!” Jaemin exclaimed, face burning red. He was the first to make his way out when the elevator reached the third floor, elbowing past Mark and Jaehyun. He nearly crashed into Ten before Jaehyun pulled him back by the hood.

“Oh, there you are,” Ten said. He looked exhausted, and worry immediately bubbled up in Jaehyun’s chest. “I have good news!”

Immediately the anxiety dissipated, leaving Jaehyun sagging in relief. It seemed as if the others agreed, because there was a collective sigh from them. Ten smiled a little, and Jaehyun thought he probably knew how worried they were, even if they tried their best to hide it.

“He’s okay?” Mark asked, and he sounded so hopeful that Jaehyun’s heart hurt.

“Much better than yesterday. He woke up for around an hour this morning, and he was able to speak a little. He was very confused, but he seemed aware of what was going on around him. He wasn’t able to answer most of our questions, I’m afraid, but he knows where he is and understands he has been in an accident and how long he has been in a coma for,” Ten explained while leading them down the hall to Johnny’s room. “He wasn’t able to move much, and was very lethargic. We don’t know if there was any damage to the brain, or to what extent, but we’re hoping for the best.”

With each passing word, Jaehyun began to grow more and more hopeful. He had read stories from people who had woken up from a coma, and most of them had described exactly what Ten had said. He knew it wasn’t likely that Johnny would make a perfect recovery, but it looked like he would recover, and that was all that mattered to Jaehyun.

“We can see him, right?” Taeyong asked as they turned down the hall.

Ten nodded. “He’s asleep right now, but you can go in. We gave him something to help him sleep, but keep your voices down anyway.”

“Of course,” Mark murmured. Ten stopped outside the door to 3004, pushing the door open further. They all silently agreed that Mark should go in first since he wasn’t there the day before. Mark walked past Ten, and Jaehyun held his breath as he followed, with Taeyong and Jaemin right on his heels. He felt Jaemin stay back, but he and Taeyong stepped right up to Johnny’s bedside. Taeyong pulled Mark into his side and they pretended they couldn’t see the younger Seo’s tears. Johnny didn’t really look different than before, but he definitely had some colour to his cheeks that wasn’t there yesterday.

“Johnny,” Mark whispered, kneeling on the floor at Johnny’s side and taking the hand that didn’t have an IV attached to it. Jaehyun noticed there were considerably less machines surrounding Johnny’s bed.

Jaehyun and Taeyong remained silent, unable to do anything except stare at Johnny’s sleeping form as if he was going to disappear at any second. The pure, utter relief running through Jaehyun’s mind was almost enough to make him cry again. His best friend was still alive, and the proof was right there on the heart monitor, beeping steadily. Taeyong walked up to the bed just as Jaemin stepped up to Jaehyun’s side, taking his hand. Jaehyun allowed it even though it made his heart flutter, intertwining their fingers as they watched Taeyong run his fingers through Johnny’s hair, chuckling lightly at the length. Mark stepped back from the bed, allowing Taeyong to stand right where he was, taking Johnny’s hand in his own.

“Jaemin, this is Johnny,” Jaehyun said softly. “He’s Taeyong’s fiance, Mark’s brother, and my best friend. Johnny, this is Jaemin. He used to be my ride-along, you missed out on working with him. Now, he’s a friend.”

Jaemin walked closer to the bed, Jaehyun letting go of his hand to place it at the small of Jaemin’s back, ushering Jaemin forward. “It’s nice to meet you, Johnny.”

Taeyong gasped, and Jaehyun immediately stumbled forward. For a moment, he didn’t notice, but as his gaze traveled up to Johnny’s face, he let out a choked gasp of his own.

Johnny’s eyes were open and focused directly on Taeyong.

xvi.

It was hard to believe that five months ago, they were sure that Johnny wasn’t going to survive. It was even crazier to think that the doctors were speculating turning off life support. Because right now, as Johnny stared at Taeyong, he was most definitely, one hundred percent alive.

“Johnny,” Taeyong whimpered, breaking the silence. He immediately plastered himself to the railing of Johnny’s bed, still clinging to Johnny’s hand. For another, painstaking moment, everything was quiet except for Taeyong’s laboured breathing. Jaehyun watched as Johnny worked his throat, Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed. He opened his mouth, only to close it again, furrowing his eyebrows. Dread sank in Jaehyun’s stomach as Johnny looked away in confusion.

Finally, he looked at Taeyong again, squinting. “Yong?”

“Oh my god,” Mark said, hands flying up to cover his mouth. “Oh my god, you’re awake.”

Johnny’s eyes drifted slowly over to where Mark was standing. “Mark?”

Mark immediately ran forward, standing right next to Taeyong and leaning heavily on him for support. He struggled, at a loss for words, but he eventually just collapsed at Johnny’s side, sobbing into the blanket that covered Johnny’s legs.

Jaehyun stood motionless, eyes wide. He could feel Jaemin staring at him questioningly, but he couldn’t move. He wasn’t even sure what to think or feel. Guilt, fear, relief, and happiness slammed into him in waves and his chest tightened. Jaehyun wrapped his arms around himself, and the movement caught Johnny’s attention, his gaze sliding past Mark to where Jaehyun was standing.

Jaehyun’s breath hitched as Johnny stared at him. His knees gave out, and if it wasn’t Jaemin grabbing him at the last second he would have fallen to the floor. The pain in his chest flared up, his ribs constricting his lungs and making it impossible to breathe.

Strong arms wrapped around his torso and suddenly Jaemin plastered his chest to Jaehyun’s back, holding him tightly as if he was trying to prevent Jaehyun from shattering into pieces. Jaehyun trembled in his hold, panicked, until the soothing scent of espresso and toasted vanilla engulfed him. His chest heaved, unable to look away even though his eyes were watering. Johnny’s frown deepened before smoothing out into a relieved smile.

“Jae.”

One syllable. One syllable was all it took for Jaehyun to _break,_ scrambling out of Jaemin’s arms and crumbling at Johnny’s bedside, sobs coming out fast and heavy. He vaguely felt a hand rubbing his back which must have belonged to Mark, the touch awkward in a way that Taeyong never was with Jaehyun.

“You’re alive,” Johnny croaked out, and Jaehyun bawled, leaning over the short rail of the bed to hug his best friend. He hiccuped apologies through his tears, shaking as he clutched at the sheets around Johnny’s shoulders. It was awkward with the rail digging into his stomach and the fact that Johnny wasn’t sitting up, but Jaehyun didn’t care.

“Johnny, Johnny, Johnny,” Jaehyun repeated like a mantra. “Fuck. _Fuck._ ”

 _You’re alive_ , Johnny had said.

 _No,_ you’re _alive. I’m not the one who’s been on the brink of death for almost two years._ Jaehyun wanted to say, but he was crying too hard to voice anything other than a stream of “sorry, I’m so sorry” as he pressed his face against Johnny’s neck.

“Jae, baby, please calm down,” said Taeyong from somewhere behind him, and he felt thin arms wrap snugly around his waist, Taeyong’s cheek pressed into his back. Jaehyun tried to slow his breathing, doing the same thing he told his panicking patients to do. He almost laughed a little at the situation. Almost two years ago, he and Taeyong cried on the floor of a hospital room because they thought Johnny was going to die. Now, they were crying because they knew Johnny was going to live.

Finally, Jaehyun’s breaths slowed, his heavy sobs transitioning to soft sniffles as Johnny weakly clutched at his hand. Jaemin brought over a plastic chair for Jaehyun to sit down, and Taeyong and Mark stood on either side of him. Jaehyun had tried to give up the seat, but in the end his knees refused to hold up his weight.

Johnny hadn’t spoken again, but he was still awake, watching them. He kept opening his mouth to talk, and closing it again, furrowing his brows. Jaemin disappeared and returned with a plastic cup of water with a bendy straw, and with a nurse’s help, propped Johnny up high enough that he could drink without choking.

He was getting tired, Jaehyun could tell. He was fighting to keep his eyes open. No matter how many times Taeyong told Johnny that it was okay, that he could close his eyes and that they’d be there when Johnny woke up, he still refused to go to sleep. Jaehyun kept quiet. He was afraid that if Johnny went to sleep, he wouldn’t wake up again, so he selfishly but silently prayed for Johnny to stay awake.

“He’s not gonna be able to eat on his own for a while, and there are still a lot of tests we need to perform. But once he’s cleared to move, we’ll put him in a less intensive unit,” the nurse explained. “If you notice anything is wrong, whether it’s his memory or something else, press this call button right here.”

She pointed to the little red button next to Johnny’s bed. Taeyong smiled and thanked her. She left the room, and it was silent once more.

“Where did Jaemin go?” Taeyong asked suddenly. Jaehyun startled, looking around but there was no trace of his former ride-along. He hadn’t realized Jaemin had left the room again, but he didn’t blame him. Johnny was a stranger to Jaemin.

And yet…Jaemin came anyway. He had brought Johnny water, and helped him sit up to drink. He had held Jaehyun as he cried, and brought him a chair when he couldn’t stand.

Jaehyun swallowed against the lump in his throat. It felt like the room was spinning beneath him, his pulse quickening until his heartbeat roared in his ears. Why did his heart race when he thought of Jaemin’s touch?

“Jae,” Johnny rasped out, breaking Jaehyun away from his thoughts. In a flash, he was at Johnny’s bedside. Taeyong and Mark crowded in next to him, twin expressions of worry written all over their faces. “Yong. Mark.”

Johnny slowly reached out with one trembling hand, and Jaehyun quickly grasped it, trying to offer some sort of comfort as Johnny began to grow visibly distressed. His skin felt cold and clammy against Jaehyun’s.

“I can’t…I can’t feel my legs.”

xvii.

“Jaehyun!”

His surroundings blurred in front of his eyes, and he was unable to make anything out except for the blinding lights coming from the ceiling. Was the hospital always so bright?

He could hear his blood rushing past his ears, crashing like waves against rock. His breath was coming too fast, too heavy, the sound loud but distorted. He could hear footsteps thudding against the tiles, but they sounded too far away to be his own. When had he started running?

Suddenly, another rhythm rose to a crescendo, beating out of time. As he ran, the walls closed in, and the beat got louder. His heartbeat, he realized, pounding like war drums until the sound consumed him, speeding up and up until—

Hands closed around his shoulders, and the sound cut out as if someone had slammed a window shut in his mind. He whirled around, startled at the silence, the only prominent sound being his own breathing.

“Jaehyun!”

Jaemin.

How did Jaemin somehow manage to witness all of his lowest moments?

“Jaehyun, you need to breathe. You gotta calm down.”

He _was_ breathing, though. He could literally hear himself breathing. Was he breathing too fast or was time moving too slow?

“C’mon, breathe with me. In for four, hold for four, out for four.”

Jaehyun inhaled and choked on a sob, hands scrabbling at the hold Jaemin still had on his shoulders until his fingers found purchase around his wrists. Jaemin didn’t flinch, even when Jaehyun’s nails dug into his skin uncontrollably. He just kept counting _1…2…3…4_ until Jaehyun matched his rhythm and his heartbeat slowed down to keep pace.

He calmed down shortly after, but Jaemin still looked at him with worry. With careful hands, Jaemin steered him to the sitting area on that floor. Jaehyun let himself be pushed down onto a small couch, too embarrassed to look Jaemin in the eyes.

“Hey, did you know the principal cardboard boxes were invented as early as 1871?” Jaemin said randomly. Confused, Jaehyun raised his head, furrowing his eyebrows at the younger. It dawned upon him that Jaemin was probably trying to distract him. “They only started getting popular after Kellogg’s started using them. The cereal company, you know?”

“No, I didn’t know that,” Jaehyun whispered, voice hoarse. He didn’t know anything about the history of cardboard, because he had never cared to learn.

“Speaking of Kellogg’s, did you know their corn flakes were actually invented to discourage masturbation? The guy who invented it was a physician who believed that spicy foods increased the sex drive, so he prescribed his patients bland food.”

“Huh. Interesting,” Jaehyun said genuinely. “Wasn’t masturbation like super taboo around that time? I’m not really proficient in his history, I was more into STEM.”

“Yeah, crazy, right? And speaking of masturbation, did you know that more than seven million fleshlights have been sold worldwide?”

“Seven million?” Jaehyun repeated. “Why do you know that anyway?”

Jaemin shrugged. “My brain is filled with useless facts. Some of my favourite topics include honeybees, cockroaches, lamps, and pasta.”

“Pasta? What facts do you know about pasta?”

“Well, did you know that the earliest recorded incident of pasta eating was actually in China, not Italy? And apparently there are, like, six hundred different shapes of pasta. Oh, and actually BBC once made a documentary that pasta grows on trees as an April’s fool’s joke, and millions of people believed it.”

“Wouldn’t it be nice if pasta grew on trees?” Jaehyun said offhandedly. “We could have community gardens and feed people more than just fruits and vegetables.”

“Do you like to garden?” Jaemin sat down on the couch next to him. He sank into the soft material, his knee pressing into Jaehyun’s. He couldn’t help but stare at where their bodies were connected, to the point where he almost forgot to answer Jaemin’s question.

“I do. I have some plants on my balcony, but I can’t really do gardening to the extent that I want to. Maybe when I move into a big house or something,” Jaehyun said, fidgeting with the delicate chain bracelet strapped around his wrist.

“When did you get into it?”

“A couple months ago,” Jaehyun replied. He could slowly feel his chest loosening as he spoke. Jaemin had managed to calm him down in a matter of minutes, and he felt safe enough to relax more, sinking into the back of the couch. His thigh ended up pressed against Jaemin’s, and after a moment of contemplation, Jaehyun decided to leave it there. The warmth radiating from Jaemin’s skin was prominent even through two layers of clothing, and the feeling brought comfort to Jaehyun’s mind. “I found a book about tiny gardens for apartments, and I thought maybe it would be fun to try. So I bought all the materials and some seeds and, well. It’s nicer than I thought it would be.”

“That’s super cool. To be honest, you don’t seem like the gardening type of guy. But then again, you’re kind of the nurturing type.”

“I am?” Jaehyun raised an eyebrow in disbelief. He didn’t think he was really the caring type, except for his plants. It was also why he didn’t want pets, or children. He couldn’t see himself ever having a dog, or a baby, especially considering his busy work schedule. But he loved work, and he definitely couldn’t view himself working a different job that demanded less of him.

“Sure you are. You take care of all your friends. Especially Taeyong. And me,” Jaemin added cheekily. “You’re so doting. Even to Mark, whom you barely know. You’re not that much older than me, but you care so much about everyone.”

“I mean, of course I care?” Jaehyun said, bewildered. “I’m not heartless.”

“That’s not what I meant!” Jaemin protested, flushing red. “I just meant that it’s nice, really.”

“Oh, and are those your _honest_ feelings about me?” Jaehyun teased, waggling his eyebrows.

“No,” Jaemin said, suddenly serious. “But you’re not in the right headspace for my honest feelings. Come on,” he stood up and stretched out a hand before Jaehyun had time to process his words, “let’s go back.”

“I can’t,” Jaehyun said immediately, shaking his head. His heartbeat sped up again, panicked at the thought of going back and facing Johnny. He wished he could explain why he was so terrified. Maybe he was waiting for Johnny to point an accusing finger at him and say _this was all your fault._ He knew Johnny would never do that. Maybe that was the problem. He knew that if Johnny really did blame him for not keeping them safe, for walking out of the crash relatively unscathed while Johnny wasted away in a hospital bed, that Johnny would never tell him so. “I can’t go back right now.”

“Johnny doesn’t blame you,” Jaemin said firmly. Jaehyun had never seen him look so solemn, eyes steely with resolve. “He said that, after you left. He doesn’t blame you, and neither does Taeyong, so why do you still blame yourself?”

Jaemin presented the facts on a silver platter in front of Jaehyun’s eyes. No bullshit, no sugarcoating, just pure honesty. Even now, it was something Jaehyun admired, even as the words sliced into his heart and left him bleeding and vulnerable.

He closed his eyes. “How can I not blame myself? When I was behind the wheel?”

Jaemin sat down on the couch again, closer than before. His entire side was pressed to Jaehyun’s own, warm and surprisingly solid beneath his clothing. “You’re a paramedic. You’ve seen so many car accidents in your career. You _know_ it’s not always the driver’s fault.”

Jaehyun pressed his palms into his eyes until splotches of colours burst in his vision. He was shaking again, unable to control himself, and he curled his body tighter to hide it. He felt pathetic under Jaemin’s watchful gaze.

“Why do you still blame yourself?” Jaemin repeated, his voice softer. Suddenly, arms enclose his trembling frame, one hand forcing Jaehyun’s head to rest against Jaemin’s shoulder. Surprised, Jaehyun let himself be tugged down and held tightly as he fought to get his breathing under control for the third time today.

If he was honest, this sort of panicking was foreign to him. In emergency situations, he was always able to keep calm and level-headed. He guessed he didn’t do so well when the situation was affecting him. Or maybe it was because it was Johnny. He never had any control when it came to Johnny.

“I don’t know how to stop,” Jaehyun confessed quietly into Jaemin’s shoulder, when his heart rate slowed and his eyes no longer burned with unshed tears. “I’ve always blamed myself.”

“And it’s understandable, but now it’s time to let it go,” Jaemin replied as gentle as ever. Jaehyun felt fingers running through his hair and leaned into the touch. He couldn’t deny that he felt a fluttering in his stomach when Jaemin touched him, a sensation he hadn’t felt before.

unfinished

And when Jaemin pulled back to offer him a bright, comforting smile, his heart stuttered; he didn’t need Taeyong’s advice or BuzzFeed articles to tell him that he had completely and hopelessly fallen for Jaemin Na.

He let Jaemin take his hand and drag him back to Johnny’s room. He was still afraid of what would happen once he returned, but he was also distracted by his own revelation. His mind drifting, he told Jaemin to wait as he went to the bathroom and washed his face with cold water. Was he imagining the heat to his skin, the flush to his cheeks, his hand burning where Jaemin had held it?

Staring at his reflection in the mirror, Jaehyun looked past his chapped lips, his pale skin and unruly hair, the permanent circles under his eyes, and tried to imagine what Jaemin could like about him. And then he remembered what had occured seemingly so long ago but was actually only a few minutes in the past. _You’re not ready for my honest feelings._

Lips parting, Jaehyun clutched the edge of the counter until his knuckles turned the colour of bone. The realization was like a blow to his respiratory system, and he exhaled slowly to relieve the shock.

Jaemin really was so gentle and considerate. It was one of the things Jaehyun liked most about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoaaa hey it has been a minute. as in several months. i am so sorry. anyway i have no idea when the next chapter will be posted but i remembered this fic exists now so it probably won't be as long as before. if you are still reading this, thank you so much and i'm sorry again for the wait.
> 
> if you're new here, hi and welcome! i hope you've enjoyed reading so far.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are much appreciated!! if you want to stay informed about wips and updates, you can check me out on twitter. if you have any questions, hit me up on cc. 
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/seodamnfine)
> 
> [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/seodamnfine)


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